Dear Uncle Mat

I am dating two guys, and I really like them both. I want a boyfriend, but I’m not sure how to handle this situation. Each one has their good and bad points, but mostly great points. This would be a cool situation to follow through and discover which one develops into a relationship, but they both seem very serious already. They know that I have been dating, but each is talking as if they want it to be exclusive now. I am aware that I am a totally lucky guy. I feel tingly and buzzed and nervous-happy with both of these guys. Is there a way to stall without chasing one off? How do I pick if I need to? I am now sleeping with both of them, too, and the sex is great, so that is not a determining factor to worry about.

— It’s Raining Men

Dear Monsoon Boy,

It is not raining men and hasn’t in more than two decades. You are just easy and indecisive. And optimistic, so cheers to you! I am sure it is all that spectacular dick and ass you’re getting. If you’re really feeling that lucky, why not invite them both out to dinner and introduce them to each other? Maybe you won’t have to choose and you can have your cake with two cocks and you can eat them, too.

Do you ever wonder what a train wreck looks like before the wreck? From the point of view of a guy who is watching two potential relationships open up in front of him, this is a completely rad situation, but it is also disastrous. How long have you been dating and sleeping with these guys? How old are any of you? Do you have a conscience? Are you feeling guilty or is your ass just complaining about being overscheduled? There are easier ways to find a boyfriend than sleeping with every man on the block and waiting to see who doesn’t run away.

You’re lucky you didn’t end up with a priest or a married man. Are you sure everything is perfect with these guys? What if they each have one to three alternative plans they are as excited about as well? Imagine that ad about sexual partners and change it to domestic partners and suddenly you are starring in the homo version of Big Love.

OK, I’ll pretend they are the genuine Prince Charmings with the hearts of gold and cocks of steel you make them out to be. Do both of these guys know that by “dating” others you mean having sex with another guy you might want to shack up with? I am going to guess not really. This means you have very little time to delay. Maybe a week.

I recommend sitting down and asking yourself honestly what you want. Not who, but what, and as you slowly and carefully visualize your desired life, I suspect one of the suitors will appear victorious in your delusion, I mean visualization.

You could also be honest with them both (not at the same time) and tell them each you are ready to settle down and you want to know if they want the same thing. If they both say yes, then you have to own up and break a heart the hard way. Don’t worry, guys suck 50 percent of the time, so one of them will balk. (Or both will be hurt and angry, and you could end up looking the asshole player.)

I am a little bitter this week; it’s probably just my gay mid-life crisis kicking in a few years late. If I were really being mean I would tell you to be careful when crossing the street and then let every single gay dude looking for a decent bachelor to date in this city know where you live.  

Much luck and hopefully true love,

Your Uncle Mat

Uncle Mat answers questions about relationships, sex, pets, and art. Email him at [email protected],, or check out the Dear Uncle Mat Page on Facebook. Your true identity is safe with him.

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