Dear Uncle Mat,
I have a problem with my baby’s mom. We’re trying to work things out, or at least that’s what I’m thinking. But in a way, I’m kind of thinking maybe it’s best if I just let her go. Cause I mean, she likes doing her own thing, and it sucks cause I want her back so badly. Sometimes I get the feeling she’s with other guys. She says she’s not doing anything, but I always constantly have that feeling. She keeps telling me to chill and let things fall into place, but how can I when she hardly talks to me and I always get that feeling? All I need is some advice on what you think I should do. Do you think its time to let her go and just focus on my son, or try and work things out so that my son can have a family? Cause when it comes down to it, all I want is for my son to be happy. And when I went to her house last time, he looked happy that me and her were together. Please help me out.
A man in need of help.
Dear Man in need of help,
It seems to me you have answered your own question. All kinds of things make babies happy. Gas for instance. I’m not saying it wouldn’t be great for your son to have two parents married and in love, but a baby can’t make that happen. If you want your son to be happy then put him first in your considerations of your relationship with his mother. This does not mean project your want to be with her on him.
Children can be very sensitive to the behaviors and relationships of their parents and other adults around them. If there is a strain between you two because of a forced relationship, it can take an emotional toll over time. The best thing for your son is for all three of you to be happy. You need to focus on being a good father and having a kind, loving, and trusting relationship with his mother. This relationship may just be a friendship, but whatever it is, you both should always place his well-being before your wants. So I agree with his mother and you should just chill as far as she is concerned.
You asked and she told you she is not seeing anyone else. If you don’t believe her, why don’t you trust her? You describe it as a feeling but not something demonstrable in her behavior. Is it jealousy? Why do you think she would lie about having another relationship? Do you think it’s because she wants to protect you and your son from being hurt or because you think she is just dishonest?
No matter the reason or truth, if you can’t trust each other, you already have a big roadblock in the relationship. A lack of trust often is a sign of poor communication if there is no previous dishonest behavior in the relationship’s history.
For now, be a dad. Spend time with your son. You should do this both with her (if she’s willing) and on your own. If she doesn’t want to see you, let her know that you would like to spend time with your son regardless and are willing to work out a compromise that allows this to happen.
Build your relationship with him and be there in every way you can. Support her as his mother, and remember the reason you are there is because you are the father. If you both are working successfully and earnestly towards the same goal, you will learn to trust each other. With the trust will come increased communication and the relationship that is best for everyone. You will stop worrying about whether you can make each other happy and simply desire that the other is happy.
The worst that can happen in this situation is that your son will end up somewhere between two and four loving parents one day. You can’t really beat that.
Much love and understanding,
Your Uncle Mat
Uncle Mat answers questions about relationships, sex, pets and art. Email him at [email protected], myspace.com/yourunclemat, or check out the Dear Uncle Mat Page on Facebook. Your true identity is safe with him.