Dirty socks and celibacy

“What is his weapon of mass destruction?” Carnie Wilson asks coyly. The three newlywed wives, perched before Carnie on oversized loveseats, giggle. And we, the studio audience, giggle right along with them. Because what we’re talking about here is ... LAUNDRY! More specifically the dirty laundry left in the hamper by these ladies’ brand-new husbands. Carnie wants to know which particular item is the smelliest.

When my friend Autumn invited me to a taping of the latest remake of The Newlywed Game, I figured it’d just be a fun way to spend an afternoon. But when I was actually there, sitting in the live studio audience, watching Carnie Wilson ask three newly married ladies to talk about the stink-ness of their new hubbies’ socks, I realized something: It wasn’t Autumn who brought me there. It was fate.

Why? To teach me lessons about love, a very special kind of love that’s so real and pure and true that it drives a new bride to tell everyone all about her husband’s gross boxers, and makes a brand-new groom announce that his darling wife is often too tired for sex. This is the love of family sitcoms and laundry-detergent commercials. The love that makes couples so secure, they want to discuss every last detail of their marriage with Carnie Wilson, the live studio audience, and the world.

Lucky for me I had a pen with which to write down the tips that day, and lucky for you I’m now sharing them here.

Remember all that stuff you once learned about deodorant and showering and changing socks? Ladies, take heed. But dudes, don’t worry — it doesn’t actually apply to you : ) ! One-hundred percent of the newlywed women were quite happy to chat it up about their husbands’ dirty laundry, and none of them seemed to mind the stink. And, hey, with good reason – a smelly hubs gives the girls something chat about!

And ladies, if you’re totally high-strung, that’s cool! Type-A lady = A+ marriage! All of the newly hitched hubbos described their wives as too anal. But the truth is, that’s the way married ladies are supposed to be. After all, someone has got to keep up with that thrice-daily Swiffering regimen and the tri-weekly trips to the Container Store … and you sure as hell can’t count on Mr. Barf-Boxers to do it!

And oh, by the way, gals, after all that cleaning, you’ll probably be too tired to get dirty with your guy, but don’t worry. Not-having-any-sex-ever puts you in good company. When Carnie asked her football-as-sex question, all three men said the main “foul” their wifey was most likely to commit in the sack was “delay of game” (which all the men-folk said meant she was often too tired to do it at all).

Speaking of being naked, dudes, don’t worry about what you look like when you are. Embrace your trollsome feet and hairy backs. Have that extra beer, and dunk a donut in it! It’s OK. Worrying about looks is for the ladies! During a very special faceoff round, a newly married husband and a man who’d been married for decades both told the audience that their wives would be much more likely to pose nude than they would be. Lucky for us! Both men said, with a proud chuckle, “Well, you wouldn’t want to see me naked!” And we all laughed. And the wives just sat there like, “Yup!” I mean, the truth is, men don’t need to look nice naked.

But you know what they do need? A cute “feminist” catchphrase! One of the newlyweds had his already picked out: A happy wife is a happy life! After he delivered it, all the ladies in the audience went wild with the cheers. When you’re looking for your catchphrase, hub-hubs, just remember you don’t necessarily have to mean it. Heck, it doesn’t even have to make sense, so long as you can deliver it with gusto. Extra bonus points if it rhymes. Double extra bonus points if you can imagine it printed on a novelty apron.

So there you have it. If you are single and looking, or in a relationship that could use a little sprucing, forget about those fancy couples counselors and psychics and self-help books — just turn your TV to the GSN network beginning April 6, and you’ll get all the advice you need. Advice which, only moments later, I had the opportunity to take! As I walked out of the studio and back onto the street, I passed a very hairy man, who smelled like a mix of feet, beer, and old pee. When he started to follow me, instead of walking more quickly and letting him slip away like I might have done in the past, I slowed down. And when he called out, “I love wives, I love chives!” I yawned, took out my organizer, and penciled him in ... for the rest of my life!

If Carnie’s show gets renewed, you just might see me and my new honey on an upcoming
episode. •

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