Enjoy This Drinking Game for Tonight's Beto O'Rourke-Ted Cruz Debate

click to enlarge U.S. Representative Beto O'Rourke, U.S. Senator Ted Cruz - FACEBOOK
U.S. Representative Beto O'Rourke, U.S. Senator Ted Cruz
Political debates are more fun when the television grows a little fuzzy at the edges and the number of candidates onstage has increased from two to four.

That's why we offer this drinking game for readers tuning in tonight's debate between U.S. Senate candidates Beto O'Rourke and Ted Cruz. If you choose to play, please imbibe responsibly, take Uber home from your watch party and make sure all the puke hits the trash can — especially if you're in someone else's house.

Required: Beer of your choice, hard liquor of your choice and a television tuned to the debate, which airs at 8 p.m. on KENS5 and C-SPAN.

Drink once from your beer if:
  • Beto uses a Spanish phrase
  • Ted describes his opponent as "too extreme for Texas"
  • Beto gives an example where he cooperated with a lawmaker from across the aisle
  • Ted claims marijuana is a gateway to opiate abuse
  • Beto mentions that he visited all 254 Texas counties
  • Ted describes the left as "angry," "unruly" or "filled with hatred"
  • Beto quotes from a Clash lyric (Crass, Gang of Four and Minor Threat are also acceptable)
  • Ted disparages tofu, bean sprouts, quinoa or other foods liberals are known to eat
Drink twice from your beer if:
  • Beto describes his decades-old DUI as a "terrible mistake"
  • Ted warns his opponent wants to take away your guns and/or Bibles
  • Beto lets a cuss word fly
  • Ted describes his opponent as a “socialist,” “pinko bum” or “dirty commie rat"
  • Beto is caught air drumming while coming back from a commercial
  • Ted’s face develops an oily sheen like he’s been basted in petroleum jelly
Take a shot if:
  • Beto is caught sneaking a bite from the Whataburger stashed under his podium
  • Ted eats another booger on camera
  • Beto shows up to the debate in a dress to recreate the Foss cover shoot
  • Ted begins speaking in tongues or taking up serpents
  • Beto produces conclusive evidence that his opponent is, in fact, the Zodiac Killer
  • Ted's tongue slithers out and licks his eyeball seconds before he informs the audience they will "soon bow down to their reptilian overlords"
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