Four Commandments for scoring at Rollergirls-hosted speed-dating event 

click to enlarge

• Illustration by Chuck Kerr

How can you not score on a first date when your third wheel is an entire team of roller derby girls? Not to mention that said date takes place at a punk-rock metal venue that often features $1 tequila shots? Plus: The entire venue is painted jet black, save for some horrific zombie-themed art embedded in a dimly lit wall.

This is exactly what awaits you at 9 p.m. Friday when the women of the Alamo City Rollergirls present Speed Dating V.2 at Nightrocker Live. It’s $20 to sign up and you will be eligible to win one of the many door prizes sponsored by the Adult Video Megaplexxx (one “x” was not enough to convey the adult-themed material).

Remember, this is a speed-dating event, so you will have to condense all the charm and savoir faire you have into a two-minute chunk of time. For those of you who don’t know what savoir faire is, relax — you’re fully prepared. For those of you new to whirlwind matchmaking, I have selected a few simple rules to help guide you.

No corsages necessary. It’s a meet and greet, not a Mormon prom.

Speed dating doesn’t mean methamphetamines. (But if you must, please do so responsibly. Only snort the exact amount you lack in personality — not one sniff more). Nobody wants to be trapped talking to the sweaty-undershirt guy trying to convince them just exactly why “the bassist is what really made Van Halen awesome!” — unless your name is Michael Anthony, that is.

Strip-club rules, fellas. Look, but no touch. Seriously, these derby girls make Rosie the Riveter look like the princess from Super Mario Bros. The last thing you want on a first date is a meaty, freshly lotioned forearm to the throat (coconut and dried blood, my favorite!).

Finally, if you’re lucky enough to snag a second date, may I suggest meeting the next day at the Guadalupe Cultural Arts Center for a free roller-derby demonstration? You might even learn a new move or two you can use later, including “forearm to the throat” (the safety word is “methamphetamines”).

Sign up early online at junojuantes@gmail.com before it fills up! •