Guilt Ridden

Savage Love

Guilt Ridden

Over the years, I have consumed what I believe to be an average amount of porn for a 44-year-old hetero guy. I have never paid for it, and I am now facing a troubled conscience for that fact. I could obviously just subscribe to some site or other now, but that would benefit only one company and/or set of performers. Is there a Dan Savage–approved charity relating to the adult film industry to which I could donate?

Seeks Penance And Needs Knowledge

"Porn performers almost never get royalties for their scenes when they work for big studios," said Conner Habib, a writer, activist, and porn performer. "If you buy into the trickle-down theory of things, then more money for the studio should mean more money for the performers. If you don't buy into that — and not everyone does — there are other options."

To get your money directly to the performers whose work you're currently enjoying/stealing, SPANK, you can patronize smaller studios run by performers, book time with independent webcam models, and purchase porn created by performers on sites like

To atone for your years of freeloading, SPANK, you can and should make large donations to two organizations.

"The Adult Performer Advocacy Committee (APAC) ( is the largest performer-based organization in the world, and its membership is made up entirely of performers," said Habib. "Full disclosure: I'm the vice president, but no donation money goes to me or any board member. It all goes to the organization, which works to improve the working conditions, quality of life, and safety of performers, as well as to fight anti-porn laws and stigma."

Habib also recommended donating money to the Sex Workers Outreach Project (

"This isn't a porn-specific organization," said Habib, "but it works to protect and fight for the rights of all sex workers. Since many performers are doing other forms of sex work, donations go a long way to help porn performers."

Habib will be hosting an online lecture/seminar about the upside of porn on Sunday, June 5. His talk is titled "Pornworld: Why Pornography Is a Healthy Part of Our Culture," and you can find out more about it by searching "pornworld" at You can — and you should — follow Habib on Twitter @ConnerHabib.

> I didn't talk to my nearly-70-year-old dad for most of my 20s. Now that I'm back trying to maintain relationships with my parents, I am struggling. My dad is the king of the overshare. He makes creepy comments about women who are about 30 to 40 years younger than him — including women who were kids when he met them but are now grown-ups. Not something I want to hear. I don't think he is abusing anyone, just being creepy, but I desperately want him to stop with the inappropriate comments. He makes about one creepy comment per phone conversation. If he were a person at work, I would be able to stand up for myself and say, "That is not appropriate." But when he says creepy stuff, Dan, I'm a deer in the headlights. I go silent, it's awkward, and I keep hoping he'll understand how weird he's being. I would say something, but bringing up things that anger me causes him to act overly sorry, and that routine is annoying too. I asked my mom (they divorced a long time ago), and she had no suggestions. She was just like, yeah, he's like that. Any suggestions on what to say?

Seeking Help Regarding Unpleasant Guy

"Dad! It creeps me out when you make comments about women you wanna fuck. I realize you're a sexual person, and I honor that, and blah de blah blah blah. But these are thoughts you share with friends, Dad, not with your adult children. There's no need to go into your oh-so-sorry routine, Dad, we just need to change the subject."

@fakedansavage on Twitter

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