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Half-pants are for wussy gabachos who can't take the heat. 

Dear Mexican:

A friend asked me years ago to come up with a Spanish word or phrase that contains fewer syllables than its English counterpart. After years of thinking about this, the only one I could come up with is “Tengo sed” (three syllables) compared to “I am thirsty” (four syllables). This could be directly translated as “I have thirst,” though, which would make it three syllables. Can you come up with any others? Point is, why do wabs have to use so many goddamn syllables just to say, “Yes, I will clean your toilet for $6.50 an hour?”

Long in the Dong


Dear Gabacho:

This spicy column has tackled questions about dwarves, anal sex, and anal-sex-loving dwarves, but this is by far the strangest pregunta I’ve received. Not to mention ignorant: You don’t even have to think of another phrase to fit your requirements, pendejo! If you further conjugate Tengo sed, you can create ¿Tiene sed? (Is he thirsty?) and ¿Tienes sed? (Are you thirsty?). As for Spanish words with fewer syllables than their English translation, a random selection that took about a minute of half-deliberation includes lentes (eyeglasses), papa (potato), and tonto (Guatemalan). That’s all I’ll give you, Long Dong. Sorry, but there are more important issues to debate besides multisyllabic words and why Spanish has longer words than English (it’s the Latin, stupid). Point is, how can you think about long-winded wabs when your elected officials would rather fret about Mexicans than the chaos in the Middle East?


Dear Mexican:

Too bad you and your crowd didn’t get amnesty. Fuck you and your illegal alien-loving ass. You suck and should leave the country, you race-hustling professional Chicano turd.

Piddle in the Middle


Dear Gabacho:

First off, it’s professional Mexican turd; secondly, guess what Congress is mulling again?


Dear Mexican:

This past winter, I was walking around in Boston with a Mexican guy I work with. I was the only person in Boston wearing shorts but it brought to mind a question I have had for many years. I asked him why Mexicans always wear pants regardless of how hot it is. It blows me away when we have the sweltering humid days of summer that these Mexicans don’t wear shorts. Is there some sort of religious restriction that precludes them from wearing shorts? Strangely, he admitted that he owns no shorts other than the ones he wears when he goes swimming or scuba diving.

Short in the Fort


Dear Gabacho:

Can you and every other gabacho who wonders why Mexicans don’t show much flesh cut it out with the religious explanations already?! Not everything having to do with Mexican modesty is a result of our ingrained Catholicism. Take your shorts question. If hombres faithfully followed the tenets of Mexican Catholicism, we’d live our lives as gloriously half-naked as the crucified Jesus. Besides, Mexican men don’t need shorts. Half-pants are for wussy gabachos who can’t take the heat or chicas calientes looking to draw wolf whistles.


¡ASK A MEXICAN CONTEST! Want a free, autographed copy of my book? Send a picture to the email above of yourself or an amigo reading the Mexican while standing outside your local Mexican consulate. Photo must clearly show the consulate and the newspaper (or printed web version) in which you read this pinche column. One winner per consulate only, so the first picture from each region gets the book (no more entries from San Diego, Yuma, Houston, Mexico City, and the Czech Republic, por favor)! Don’t live close to a consulate? Don’t worry — the Mexican invasion will bring one to a neighborhood near you soon! 


Got a spicy question about Mexicans? Ask the Mexican at And those of you who do submit questions: Include a hilarious pseudonym, por favor, or we’ll make one up for you!

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