Screens The end is nigh, and it's about time

NBC's religious drama 'Revelations' pulls from fundamentalists' playbook

Revenge is mine saith the Lord, for cancelling Millennium, a 1990s sci-fi thriller on which I found favor. I still haven't gotten over it. So be warned, my angels hast opened the bottomless pit of TV shows, where arose a religious melodrama, Revelations. Thus, Wednesdays at 8 p.m. on NBC, the airwaves are darkened by an erratic plot and tiresome characters which hast festered a grievous sore upon the network.

Let those with ears hear: The apocalyptic series begins with wickedness and bad weather. A young girl with a temporary tattoo shall remove the defilement from her belly by the command of her father, but in doing so must miss the school bus. Alas, she must walk: As she cuts across a golf course, lightning strikes her as punishment for her unclean desires, rendering her brain-dead.

The devil appears in the form of medicine, for doctors wish to unplug the vegetative child from life support. But before evil can prevail, a tribe of nuns protects her from a dignified death, and she begins whispering the Book of Revelation - in Latin, a language also dead.

Behold as a star falls from grace: Bill Pullman, once a legitimate actor, now in the role of Dr. Richard Massey. A Harvard astrophysicist, he places his faith in science, which shall earn him eternal torment. And though his preteen daughter was slain by Satanist Isaiah Haden, and his stepson, Hawk, was kidnapped by a leather-booted fornicator whom the boy met on-line, Massey repenteth not.

Behold Josepha Montafiore, a globe-trotting Italian nun with an unlimited expense account who documents miracles using a deluxe videocamera. She hears the vegetative child channel Lucy, and travels to Dr. Massey's office with hopes of collecting a generous tithing from a wealthy tenured professor.

Together, the nun and the professor are companions in tribulation. Throughout the world, they observe the signs - angry seas, civil unrest, and terrorist alerts - that the End of Days is imminent, and the tax collectors, whoremongers, and abominable liberals of the earth shall wail for all eternity in a cauldron of fire and brimstone.

And so a holy war begins: Goodness appears in the form of a child found floating on driftwood in the Aegean Sea. Behold the the second coming of Christ, cast in my own image: blond-haired and blue-eyed.

Meanwhile, Haden, though confined to a prison cell, orders his ambassadors to purloin a lock of hair and the head of a toothbrush belonging to the vegetative child. Director Lili Fini Zanuck, whom I shall smite with a rod of iron for using gimmicky special effects, places on the right side of the TV screen Haden, who, in a self-induced trance, lowers his heart rate and temperature 'til he is near death. On the left side of the TV screen appears the vegetative child, who receives Satan's energy, increasing her heartrate and temperature 'til her brain nearly frieth like an egg.

Saith I: Woe, woe, woe, to the viewers of this atrociousness. Be watchful: It is the work of fundamentalists and theocrats who seek dominion over the earth. Three woes hast past, but Limp Bizkit's Fred Durst stars in one of three episodes that remain.

By Lisa Sorg

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