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That's a Wrap

By Brian Villalobos

Well, will y’ look at that? My alma mater done gone an’ made herself a movie. (Thanks for waiting ’til I left, guys. Nice.) (Sigh.) At any rate, The Quiet stars Elisha Cuthbert (or, as I like to affectionately call her, “diminutive Canadienne Elisha Cuthbert,” or “Ol’ Unpronounceable-Name”) as a popular-and-attractive cheerleader (I smell Oscar!) with a family full of destructive secrets that get durned-near blown wide open when deaf-mute Dot (Camilla Belle) moves in. Also features The Sopranos’s Edie Falco (sporting a wicked German-lady-gym-teacher chop-cut) and a movie poster whereon Elisha looks like she wants to Pac-Man Camilla’s earlobe. (Yup. Pretty sure that’s what they were going for. Ear-eating.)

Real-life couple Richard Glatzer and Wash Westmoreland co-direct Quincea-ñera, a rather literal coming-of-age story in which a not-yet-15-year-old girl, spurned by her parents for getting herself pregnant, finds acceptance with her Tio Tomas and gay cousin instead. Our reviewer (page 28) notes approvingly that the co-directors genuinely feel for their characters, and suspects that you may, as well.

David Duchovny’s back! Oh ye of little faith (in Evolution’s fearsome career-killing potency) — turns out you were right, by gum. Lo and behold, both Duchovny and Julianne Moore act a phoenix and land in Bart “I Married Julianne Moore” Freundlich’s Trust the Man, alongside big-smilin’ Billy Crudup and — the clincher — Maggie Gyllenhaal. (I’ll try it, despite less-than-glowing early buzz.)

If you’ve seen the trailer for Leonard Cohen: I’m Your Man, you know at least one thing: Bono’s in it. The much-revered Cohen, incidentally, is, too, along with performances by an impressive list of musicians who count the long-faced legend as an influence. According to our reviewer (page 27), the performances are worthwhile, but you may be better off buying the soundtrack.

I think I read something essentially calling Crank a remake of Speed, with Jason Statham (Snatch, The Transporter) as the bus. Sounds about right. Someone stuck Turkish with a poison that’ll kill ’im if his heart rate drops, so he’s clearly got only one option: find and revenge-kill as many suspects as possible. You know. ’Cause that’s tough.

Imdb.com lists six or so films called Crossover since 1990, and though I’m an incurable basketball fan, I’m willing to bet the latest isn’t the best. In what looks like a flashier, less substantive Above the Rim, Wesley Jonathan plays a young man caught up in the dangers of streetball, at the mercy of a ruthless sports agent played by … Wayne Brady. (Insert Chapelle’s Show rip here). With Anthony Mackie and Philip “Hot Sauce” Champion.

Can’t wait for Ghost Rider and National Treasure 2? Get you some Nic Cage in the meantime with the Neil Labute-helmed remake of The Wicker Man. Finally. Hopefully, Neil’ll inject some looong-overdue misogyny into that weirdish classic. (Plus: Christopher Lee!)

Hoo-ee. Lotta flicks. Go watch ’em.

Local premiere dates for limited-release films are tentative and can change at the last minute. Please check your local theater listings to confirm showtimes.

Tags: Screens Etc., Screens & Tech, media features

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