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The Green Goddess &ndash Changing the world one shopper at a time 

Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away, there lived a kindly but very sad fellow who struggled and toiled because of his indentured servitude to the Man. All poor John Boy dreamed of was attending the holiday ball, but year after year his inbox remained a barren wasteland. John Boy’s lonely life was not the result of a lack of personality and talent; it was because he needed a transformation from his usual scruffy lumberjack-meets-Devo look. Underneath, a handsome, well-dressed guy was just screaming to get out.

One day, as John Boy sat and cried hopelessly, a very magical thing occurred. Not a fairy, nor an angel, but a goddess appeared to lift John Boy out of his tormented and badly dressed life. To John Boy’s surprise, the goddess whisked him off for a holiday makeover that would certainly have him dancing at the big holiday ball. With help from local styling wench Maid Angelina, John Boy soon found himself trying on the finest secondhand clothes the Salvation Army and Jive Refried had to offer. With his ball finery in place, the only thing left in his transformation was a shave and a haircut.  Within one miraculous hour, poor John Boy became rockin’ John Boi.

John Boi could hardly believe that it was his reflection in the looking glass. But the goddess warned John Boi that with his new far-out look would come incredible responsibilities, and that it wouldn’t be so easy to keep up such a transformation. Because John Boi was a kindly gentleperson, he made a promise to do all he could to remain good-looking. And with that, John Boi climbed on his lowrider bicycle and rode off to the ball, where he had the time of his life. The End.

Happy Shopping

— G.G.

Send your environmental puzzles and tips to Special goddess gratitude to John Mata, Angelina Chumney, and Justin Parr.

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John Boy before: Holiday Sad Sack (blue sweatshirt and cutoffs)

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John Boi after: big baller at the ball. Skinny pants, $3; sports coat, $6; skinny tie, $.50; dress shirt, $4
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John Boi at the after-party (time for AA): Skinny pants, $3; Miami Vice blazer, $5; T-shirt, $1; Lampshade, priceless

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