The Mendoza Line: Corrupt cops celebrate defeat of San Antonio’s Prop B with weekend crime spree

click to enlarge Police officers stretched this crime scene tape around the scene of a crime committed by other police officers in celebration of Prop B's defeat. - PEXELS / KAT WILCOX
Pexels / Kat Wilcox
Police officers stretched this crime scene tape around the scene of a crime committed by other police officers in celebration of Prop B's defeat.
We understand that in the current political environment it can be really tough to tell the difference between real news stories and satire, which is precisely why we're letting you know that the Mendoza Line is a weekly work of satire.

After San Antonio voters turned down Proposition B in Saturday's election, corrupt members of the city's police force went on a weekend spree of drunk driving and domestic abuse.

Several took to the streets to hand out dog shit sandwiches to homeless people following the defeat of the proposition that would have taken collective bargaining away from San Antonio’s police union.

Supporters of police reform saw the amendment as a starting point for permanently removing bad cops from the force. They argued that the union has too much power to reinstate fired officers.

However, following the vote, San Antonio Police Officers Association President Danny Diaz said it’s the union’s job to keep officers on the force, no matter how violent, drunk or abusive they may be.

“You need to have some members of a police department that are just as bad as the criminals we’re fighting against,” Diaz said between fielding cell phone calls from officers needing bail money. “The public may not want to admit it, but the best way for some officers to combat criminals is to have a criminal mindset.”

“The vote was such a relief,” said Matthew Luckhurst, a San Antonio Police Officer fired for giving a homeless man a sandwich stuffed with dog shit. He was reinstated and fired again after smearing what looked like feces in the women’s restroom of a bike patrol office.

“I’m a comedic genius who works with scat,” said Luckhurst, whose department nickname was "The Brown Clown." “It’s nice to know that the union will collectively bargain for my freedom of expression with excrement.”

Prop B was defeated by around 3,500 votes. Supporters of police reform said the narrow margin is a sign that San Antonio has just enough idiots to make things suck for the rest of us.

“Maybe our mistake was using big words like ‘accountability,’” Fix SAPD founder Ojiyoma Martin said. “Our opponents could say we were defunding the police, and people were stupid enough to believe that. Gov. Greg Abbott was against Prop B, so you know it had to be a good thing.”

Diaz said police reformers shouldn’t get their hopes up over the slim margin of defeat.

“It would have been a helluva lot higher if our officers actually lived in the city of San Antonio instead of in the suburbs or out in the county,” he said. “We could have won by three votes or 3,000 votes. It doesn’t matter."

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