The Mendoza Line: Dominatrices will manage security during 87th Texas Legislature

click to enlarge PIXABAY / EXPRESSIOLA
Pixabay / Expressiola
We understand that in the current political environment it can be really tough to tell the difference between real news stories and satire, which is precisely why we're letting you know that the Mendoza Line is a weekly work of satire.

Republican Gov. Greg Abbott is putting Texas Capitol law enforcement in the leather-gloved hands of dominatrices for the 2021 Texas Legislature, which gets underway next month.

GOP lawmakers asked for the change, saying they need to be “disciplined” this year to focus on the state’s most important business. The move also coincides with the governor’s stern and sexy warning that he may put law enforcement in central Austin under state control to “punish” city leaders for cutting the local police budget.

“This move will keep Texas lawmakers rigidly on track,” Abbott said of the new, 65-dominatrix Capitol security detail. “Most legislators in the GOP have agreed to pay out-of-pocket for this new force. They were eager to do it. In fact, they know most of the mistresses … intimately.”

Armed Texas Department of Public Safety officers will remain just outside the Texas Capitol gates to deal with protesters and liberals. The doms, though, will patrol the Capitol hallways, ensuring lawmakers stay focused on key issues such as COVID-19, the budget and education.

“We’ll make sure these pathetic worms don’t get distracted by trying to write laws about where people can pee and poop,” Mistress Dickie Squisher said. “But there’s not much we can do about redistricting. Not even floggings seem to be enough to deter them from that.”

Under Abbott’s order, the dominatrices can’t force discipline upon any lawmaker. Those who believe they need extra “focus” can request a punishment session by tying a ball gag to their office doorknob — red for Republicans, blue for Democrats. Knobs are expected to be split along party lines.

GOP representative-elect Lacey Hull of Houston said she had no interest in participating, “but I can’t speak for all my sexually repressed colleagues.”

The ultra-conservative Freedom Caucus had little to say about the new force, other than to make recommendations on the dress code of the doms. Leather and latex are fine, but collars must be worn high and hemlines must be fingertip-length while the disciplinarians are patrolling.

Each dominatrix will determine her own attire while meting out discipline, however. Caucus members have recommended that those in the middle of a session hang a sock or tie on their office door to prevent school tours from accidentally walking in while hot candle wax is being poured on a legislator’s privates.

“I really should decry this as depraved, immoral and an affront to Texans’ Christian values, but it’s my understanding that Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick hand-picked most of the disciplinarians himself,” said Freedom Caucus member Rep. Briscoe Cain, R-Deer Park. “I know the lieutenant governor is a God-fearing man who only has the state’s best interests at heart.”

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