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The Mendoza Line: Gov. Abbott unveils plan to slow spread of COVID-19 by killing more Texans 

Gov. Greg Abbott shows off a chart explaining how higher death rates can slow the spread of the coronavirus. - COURTESY PHOTO / TEXAS GOVERNOR'S OFFICE
  • Courtesy Photo / Texas Governor's Office
  • Gov. Greg Abbott shows off a chart explaining how higher death rates can slow the spread of the coronavirus.

We understand that in the current political environment it can be really tough to tell the difference between real news stories and satire, which is precisely why we're letting you know that the Mendoza Line is a weekly work of satire.

Gov. Greg Abbott used Texas Independence Day to announce he’s “reopening” the state and ending its mask mandate, adding that the best way to thwart the spread of the coronavirus is to kill off more people.

Abbott said last month’s historic freeze didn’t extinguish the lives of as many Texans as he’d hoped. That forced him to make the decision to let people take off their masks and crowd back into bars, restaurants and other locations.

“The way I understand it, the virus affects people and primates,” the Republican governor said. “If there are fewer people or primates, the virus stops spreading as quickly. I can guarantee you won’t see any COVID cases at that Primarily Primates sanctuary.”

During the second week of February, a chimpanzee, monkeys and lemurs froze to death at the San Antonio animal sanctuary amid statewide power outages.

Health experts expect to see an immediate spike in COVID-19 fatalities thanks to the governor's order. Meanwhile, public safety officials are bracing for an increase in homicides when people who don’t want to wear masks are stopped from entering businesses requiring them.

“Repealing the mask mandate gives us a two-for-one opportunity,” Abbott said. “If COVID doesn’t get them, Smith & Wesson will.”

The governor added that the increased fatalities will allow the state to return unused doses of vaccines to the federal government. He also said he regrets accepting federal aid following the freeze, adding that he’s eager for any opportunity to say, “no thanks,” to the Biden administration.

“Texas exceptionalism has taken a serious kick in the nuts in the last few weeks,” he said. “If we’re fortunate, these new policies will eliminate most of the complainers, naysayers and socialists, giving true conservative Texans an opportunity to reclaim the narrative."

The governor continued" "With a smaller population, we’ll have more room to accommodate companies that want to relocate to our business-friendly climate. Fewer people also mean less stress on the electrical grid and fewer people for the virus to infect. It’s a win-win-win!”

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