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The Mendoza Line: Texas governor and lieutenant governor refuse couples counseling despite urging 

click to enlarge Texas' two daddies are fighting: Texas AG Ken Paxton is trying to get Gov. Greg Abbott (left) and Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick to engage in couples counseling, insiders in his office report. - SCREEN CAPTURE / KXAN-TV (LEFT) AND WIKIMEDIA COMMONS / GAGE SKIDMORE (RIGHT)
  • Screen Capture / KXAN-TV (left) and Wikimedia Commons / Gage Skidmore (right)
  • Texas' two daddies are fighting: Texas AG Ken Paxton is trying to get Gov. Greg Abbott (left) and Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick to engage in couples counseling, insiders in his office report.
We understand that in the current political environment it can be really tough to tell the difference between real news stories and satire, which is precisely why we're letting you know that the Mendoza Line is a weekly work of satire.

Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton is reportedly urging Gov. Greg Abbott and Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick to attend couples counseling following their recent spat over the governor’s choice of Arthur D’Andrea to chair the Public Utility Commission.

According to sources inside the AG’s office, Paxton unsuccessfully tried to engage the same counselor who helped him save his marriage following an affair exposed in recent media reports.

Paxton has started carrying a “wooby” and imploring staff to call their colleagues at the offices of the governor and lieutenant governor to ask about Abbott’s and Patrick’s respective moods, people inside his office said. He's also told them to relay messages that Paxton “promises to be good” and that “it scares him when the daddies fight.”

“You'd think the state's top law enforcement official is a scared 8-year-old,” said one source who spoke on condition of anonymity. “Scratch that. It’s really more like he's a 6-year-old.”

Paxton recently sued Austin and Travis County for continuing to enforce a local mask mandate on businesses, a move sources in his office said is designed to win points with Abbott. His calendar also shows he's taking time off to get a vasectomy to be more like Patrick, who had his done live, on air when he was a Houston radio talk-show host, those same sources revealed.

“Ken’s doing everything he can to curry favor because he’s worried he will end up without a home,” said Mark Penley, a former deputy attorney general whom Paxton fired. Penley is one of the whistleblowers who sued the AG for wrongful termination.

“Patrick and Abbott aren’t big Paxton fans, but who is? He’s indicted. The feds are after him. We’re after him. No one wants to claim him," Penley added. "Ken’s really worried he’s going to end up having to live with his crazy uncle Allen [West, chairman of the Texas GOP].”

A spokesperson for the AG’s office called the claims “ridiculous,” adding that Abbott and Patrick have assured the Paxton he’s not the reason they’re fighting.

“Sometimes, couples just fall out of love,” she said.

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