The Mendoza Line: Texas threatens Dallas County with 'Cruzification' for trying to help minorities

click to enlarge The Cruz serum transforms Republicans into amplified, over-the-top, sniveling, self-serving, double-talking assholes. - WIKIMEDIA COMMONS / GAGE SKIDMORE
Wikimedia Commons / Gage Skidmore
The Cruz serum transforms Republicans into amplified, over-the-top, sniveling, self-serving, double-talking assholes.

We understand that in the current political environment it can be really tough to tell the difference between real news stories and satire, which is precisely why we're letting you know that the Mendoza Line is a weekly work of satire.

The Department of State Health Services threatened to replace Dallas County’s allotment of COVID-19 vaccine with the serum that made Republican Sen. Ted Cruz such a dick.

The threat came after county leaders tried to prioritize doses for people living in predominantly minority ZIP codes. Black and Latino communities have been most vulnerable to the coronavirus.

“Dallas County has been doing a really good job of prioritizing distribution in the affluent and white ZIP codes,” Department of State Health Services spokesperson Tabitha Shultz said. “This sudden switch to the vulnerable communities is highly disconcerting.”

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, non-Hispanic Blacks represent 34% of COVID-19 deaths but they’re just 12% of the population. Hispanics are just 19.4% of the population but 38% of the COVID-19 deaths. Non-Hispanic whites are 58.7% percent of the population but 29% of COVID deaths.

“It’s out of character for the leadership of Dallas County to act like it cares about anyone living in the vulnerable communities that live south of Interstate 30,” Shultz said. “We believe the threat of the Cruz serum would remind them of where their priorities should be.”

The Cruz serum is similar to the Super Soldier serum that turned Steve Rogers into Captain America. But instead of amplifying strength as well as someone’s character traits, it makes Republicans into amplified, over-the-top, sniveling, self-serving, double-talking assholes.

“The Dallas economy was built in the 1980s by sniveling, self-serving, double-talking assholes,” County Judge Clay Jenkins said. “We would like to think we turned a corner and are now ‘woke.’ But the thought of turning into an asshole on the scale of Ted Cruz is just too much.”

The state keeps a stockpile of Cruz serum in reserve, just in case any of the state’s Republican leadership starts to believe in voting rights, social programs or just being nice. When that happens, they are given booster shots and forced to sit in a locked room with state GOP Chairman Allen West for an hour.

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