Trinity Prez vows to crush water bottles underfoot

Greg Harman

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First City Manager Sheryl Sculley came for the refined sugar, and I said nothing. Then the City Council declared war on tobacco smoke, and I was silent. But at last someone has hit upon the environmental “sin” I may despise most of all â?? the plastic water bottle.

In a move that guarantees decades of fictitious personal claims of Trinity University alumnihood by yours truly, TU President Dannie* Ahlburg has ordered the school's departments to stop the inane practice of purchasing the plastic-wrapped delusion.

In a prepared release, a Trinity communications employee suggested Ahlburg had declared students and faculty could no longer continue to chug imported water in toxic shells and still be considered the sort of people he'd like to "hang with." That's the way I think they intended it to read, anyway. While there will still be water bottles in the vending machines, the student council is rumored to be exploring social shaming strategies, such as mandated “planet killer” sandwich boards, to force a final and lasting change in student body behavior. (That one-shoulder backpack thing just isn't enough anymore, it seems.)

When it comes to transforming campus culture into one that respects the planet (despite her finicky and limited resources) Trinity is right out in front among SA's schools. Past President John R. Brazil joined a carbon-reduction movement in 2007 gathering signatures among U.S. college and university dons/donnas. Two years ago, the campus was recognized for its waste-stream reduction efforts.

Now, the everything-poisoning plastic bottle, the contents of which have been shown to be no better than typical tap water anyway, has come under the gun up on the hill.

So Reads the Statement:

Under the new bottled water policies, multi-gallon water dispensers are allowed. In addition, Trinity employees and students can buy their own bottled water or use special bottles that can be refilled from larger containers or faucets. Vending machines on campus are still stocked with bottled water, although the Student Affairs staff is exploring alternatives with the campus caterer, ARAMARK, to reduce or eliminate individual bottles.

Recycling programs remain strong on the Trinity campus, including a plastics recycling program that was revamped in 2008 that continues to have strong participation. Until President Ahlburg arrived on campus, plastic was the University's “top commodity,” according to Sharon Curry, systems report writer for Trinity's Physical Plant and a coordinator of the campus RecycleMania program.

We're expecting a campus-wide contest to elect a new “top commodity” any day. We're thinking something along the lines of a Ghandi-style homespun. Curious freshman are encouraged to contact us to set up a good time for a “study” session.

Now let's take all that higher-ed purchasing power to Central Market on Broadway and demand an end to the immoral practice of boating and trucking Fuji's water around the world for brain dead yuppie scum.

* Clarification (by request): Did not intend to mislead our readers. Dr. Ahlburg's official given name is Dennis, according to the school's public relationists and, we would assume, hospital records, etc. "Dannie" is my personal pet name for our city's newest eco hero. Full disclosure for a fully fledged readership.

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