No News is Bad News. Join the SA Current Press Club.

Uprising of the Cave Critters threatens San Anto's cement mixers 

What if that fly on the right was your daughter? Is it time to think about it?

Greg Harman

You may have noticed the pace of blasting and clear-cutting over the contributing recharge zone (west/northwest Bexar) has slowed with this pesky global economic slowdown. Normally, like good freemarketeers, we would take the down time to hustle up some deals on those last remaining pristine tracks of wilderness. But the Rise of the Cave Critters requires us to publicly call upon The Castrogator to publicly call upon Sr Obamanos for a special stimulus for our San Antonio developers.

A legal settlement between bug lovers and U.S. Fish & Wildlife reached last Friday suggests that if we wait for the turnaround of Bush and Obama's combined $939 billion we could lose valuable acres to an assortment of subhumans that untold millennia ago infiltrated our water supply for unknown but almost certainly dastardly purposes.

After the Bush Administration granted humans rightful immunity from trans-special respects by slashing the acreage biologists said needed to be left undisturbed, the Obama team may be more amenable to subverting Humanity's inalienable right to dominate the Earth.

Conspirators, San Anto's Aquifer Guardians in Urban Areas, New Braunfels' Citizens' Alliance for Smart Expansion, and Tucson-based Center for Biological Diversity, have forced U.S. Fish & Wildlife to reconsider how much land the critically endangered spiders, beetles, and amphipods need to recover and prosper.

Through special interpreters, the consortium of invertebrates (including dangerous looking creatures like the Peck's cave amphipod (right) and Helotes mold beetle â?? don't let their small size fool you!) claimed they were not seeking to subjugate humanity, but “just wanted a nice, clean space to raise a family.”

But, speaking on condition of anonymity, one prominent developer warned: “If we don't pave over the rest of Bexar County with a little ándale we could end up with one more limb pared from the Tree of Liberty, battling amphipods like Sleestacks in the Land of the Lost.”

Said Noah Greenwald, bipedal comrade assisting the invertebrate uprising with the Center for Biological Diversity: “We believe when `USFW` redesignates critical habitat, what the scientists believe are essential for these species is more likely to be designated as critical habitat this time around.”

There are those that argue such critters are “indicator species” informing us of the health and purity of the Edwards Aquifer beneath our feet; that humanity has a higher calling to stewardship of Creation; that open lands serve our better interests by cleaning our water and air. These people have obviously never seen the riveting documentary Them!, much less Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.

Apart from my effort to gain immediate cement stimulus funds for Bexar County, I'll be stockpiling pesticides and ammo. The new habitat proposal from the Feds is due by February 7 of 2011, Greenwald said.


More info about the endangered and threatened species of the Edwards Aquifer and their real agenda should go here.

San Antonio Current works for you, and your support is essential.

Our small but mighty local team works tirelessly to bring you high-quality, uncensored news and cultural coverage of San Antonio and beyond.

Unlike many newspapers, ours is free – and we'd like to keep it that way, because we believe, now more than ever, everyone deserves access to accurate, independent coverage of their community.

Whether it's a one-time acknowledgement of this article or an ongoing pledge, your support helps keep San Antonio's true free press free.

Read the Digital Print Issue

September 23, 2020

View more issues


Never miss a beat

Sign Up Now

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.


© 2020 San Antonio Current

Website powered by Foundation