Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Nickelback, Saving Abel, & Seether

Posted on Wed, Apr 8, 2009 at 4:00 AM

Release Date: 2009-04-08

Greetings brothers and sisters,

We hope this humble free pamphlet will serve as your gateway to Kroegerism, a religion based not on hate or fear, but on the lyrics and lifestyle of Nickelback’s Chad Kroeger. We followers of this simple marketing-research-dictated formula we call the Long Road soar through this existence as though we hold the wings of eagles, and you can, too, if you obey these three simple edicts:

1. All salvation comes through Nickelback. From Kroeger’s “Hero”: “I’m not gonna stand there and wait” for “a hero to save us.” He’s it, baby, and he’s not the kind to stand around waiting on himself.

2. Practice proper driving procedures at all times. From Kroeger’s “Animals”: “I got both hands on the wheel while you got both hands on my gears.” Safety always, first and foremost. You better believe Kroeger keeps that shit at 10 and 2 while some bimbo’s reorganizing his junk drawer.

3. Give yourself head. Constantly. From Kroeger’s April 2008 interview with Playboy: “If we ever get a positive review in Rolling Stone, that album is in trouble, because those people cannot predict what a large-selling album is. They bashed the fuck out of Led Zeppelin years ago. … Who’s the most famous music critic who ever lived? They’ve never made a statue of a critic.” Further, “I put my own dick in my mouth.” This last commandment may seem to contradict the second, but when you’re following the Long Road (or writing music criticism) it’s the only thing that makes the pain go away. $44.50-$64.50, 7pm Tue, April 14, AT&T Center, 1 AT&T Center, (210) 444-5000.




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