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Friday, July 18, 2014

Living in Texas is Apparently a Terrifying Nightmare

Posted By on Fri, Jul 18, 2014 at 4:11 PM

click to enlarge Leatherface from 'The Texas Chainsaw Massacre'
  • Leatherface from 'The Texas Chainsaw Massacre'

Residing in the state of Texas means living in a constant state of abject terror. That's according to yet another nonsense ranking, courtesy of one of the many real estate blogs that specialize in nonsense rankings of American states and municipalities.

According to the folks at Estately, a blog that previously made the bold claim that Arlington, of all places, was more taco obsessed than San Antonio, Texas is the third scariest state in the nation, whatever that means. As the self-appointed ultimate decider of such things, whoever compiled this list has determined that living within the vast borders of this state is like being trapped inside the realm of a perpetual horror film where you will most certainly die in the most gruesome of ways. That's because every inch of this state is teeming with nightmare fuel.

What sort of nightmare fuel are we talking about? Well, things like tall buildings and dentists and the prison industrial complex, you know, the standards in bone-chilling fare. Estately considered factors like the per capita incarceration rate, the number of skyscrapers and black bear populations to determine which states' residents should fear for their lives. Only the people of Florida and Georgia, which took the top two spots, are subjected to a more horrifying waking nightmare.

The blog also ranked each state by more traditional inducers of fear, like the number of clowns per capita or the number of venomous snake and spider species. Texas ranked number one in venomous spiders, by the way, which makes sense, considering that there is a brown recluse crawling in between your bed sheets as you're reading this, patiently waiting to lay eggs in your ear while you sleep tonight. If that terrifies you, it may calm your fears to know that Texas ranked 26th in demon clowns, but that doesn't mean that there isn't one waiting in your closet to murder you. The chances of that happening are greater in North Dakota, but the possibility of being stabbed repeatedly by some homicidal Bozo isn't completely removed.

If Estately is to believed, living in Texas is like being trapped in your own personal hell, and this is before you remember that chupacabras exist or the fact that Leatherface from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre is totally real.

I wouldn't worry too much about it. Just remember to sleep with one eye open.

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