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Ted Cruz Warns Texas Off the Dangers of Tofu and Hair Dye

Sanford Nowlin Sep 11, 2018 14:07 PM
Lorie Shaull
Ted Cruz is clearly not into hair dye. Tofu either.
Poor Ted Cruz.

With Beto O'Rourke's scrappy campaign snapping at his ankles, the freshman senator's now warning that supporters of his charismatic challenger want to drown the state in soybean curd and hair dye.

"We are seeing tens of millions of dollars flooding into the state of Texas from liberals all over the country who desperately want to turn the state of Texas blue," Cruz heroically warned God- and veggie-fearing Texans at a weekend rally. "They want us to be just like California, right down to tofu and silicon and dyed hair."

Of course, those stereotypes haven't made for relevant comedy since 1986 or so. But, that aside, astute bloggers and Twitter users point out Texas is already awash in all three — soybeans are a huge cash crop, our state boasts nearly as many tech jobs as Cali and you'll find as many dye jobs in the Dallas Galleria as you will on Rodeo Drive.


But to be aware of those things, one needs to be in touch. Something Cruz doesn't seem to be anything close to as he takes increasingly petty (and ineffective) jabs against O'Rourke — including that he once played bass in a band and has been known to cuss. Ooh, burn!

Didn't somebody once say Ted was the star of the Princeton University debate team circa '92? Because, right now, that shit seems hard to believe.

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