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Tuesday, February 2, 2021

The Mendoza Line: San Antonio's Fiesta Commission hires curanderos to ward off COVID-19

Posted By on Tue, Feb 2, 2021 at 12:23 PM

  • Upsplash / Louis Hansel @shotsoflouis
We understand that in the current political environment it can be really tough to tell the difference between real news stories and satire, which is precisely why we're letting you know that the Mendoza Line is a weekly work of satire.

The Fiesta Commission has hired curanderos, or traditional shamanic healers, from across the state to protect people from COVID-19 during June’s limited Fiesta schedule.

An army of curanderos will roam the crowd during events. Instead of hitting people with confetti-filled cascarones, they will rub real eggs on people’s heads to ward off mal ojo y el covid. They will also tell fortunes and sell love potions as time allows.

“I'll help los pinches colonizadores this one time because it gives me a chance for a little payback for an event that is rooted in white supremacy,” said curandera Josefa Fernández de la Cruz. “Most of the attendees belong to la raza anyway, so we’ll be helping our own. They also paid us up front in cash.”

The Fiesta Commission announced Monday that its 11-day citywide celebration will be delayed, meaning Anglos will have to wait until June to appropriate Spanish names, wear costumes, host cotillions and drunkenly ask police, “Do you know who I am?”

“We really don’t have anything to lose,” said former King Antonio Brad White. “If space lasers can successfully start fires in California, maybe eggs and nursery rhymes can keep a virus from spreading when people are nut to butt at NIOSA.”

Curandero Salvador Chapa of Chango Botanica is urging everyone who plans to attend any Fiesta event to spend the preceding two weeks reciting the following phrase: "Sana sana colita de rana. Si no sanas hoy, sanarás mañana." It means “Heal, heal frog tail. If you don’t heal today, you will heal tomorrow.”

“It could help,” Chapa said. “And it will definitely be funny hearing a bunch of gabachos trying to say it.”

Fiesta 2020 was postponed until November before finally being cancelled when the coronavirus didn’t magically disappear as promised.

The 2021 Battle of Flowers and Fiesta Flambeau parades have already been called off, along with Oyster Bake. This year's other Fiesta events have been postponed until June 17-27.

“It’s going to be hot as balls in those blue Cavalier uniforms,” said Chip Johnson, another former King Antonio. “But it will be worth sweating and having egg yolk running in my eyes to have people wave to me like they know who I am. It’s my only chance at validation.”

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