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Monday, June 7, 2021

The Mendoza Line: Allen West says he wants a job from Trump after he's reinstated in August

Posted By on Mon, Jun 7, 2021 at 4:43 PM

click to enlarge Allen West last week resigned as head of the Texas GOP to help Donald Trump haul his shit from Mar-a-Lago back to the White House. - FACEBOOK / ALLEN WEST
  • Facebook / Allen West
  • Allen West last week resigned as head of the Texas GOP to help Donald Trump haul his shit from Mar-a-Lago back to the White House.
We understand that in the current political environment it can be really tough to tell the difference between real news stories and satire, which is precisely why we're letting you know that the Mendoza Line is a weekly work of satire.

WHITEHOUSE, Texas — At a Monday news conference, Allen West upended speculation that he resigned last week as chairman of the Texas Republican Party to run for statewide office.



Instead, West said he'll help former President Donald Trump move back into the White House in August in exchange for a job with his new administration. West's claim follows a report by the New York Times that Trump has told people "he expects he will get reinstated by August.”

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“This was a highly strategic decision that came after hours of prayer and contemplation, some of it while resting my head on a MyPillow,” West said about his decision. “It’s why I decided to have the Texas Republican Party’s executive committee meeting here. I am in the town of Whitehouse to announce my plans to move President Trump back into the White House.”

West said Trump contacted him a few weeks ago and said he expected to be reinstated as president this summer through a "big, beautiful" military coup. The former president added that he needed someone to help haul his belongings from Mar-a-Lago in Palm Beach, Florida to Washington, D.C.

“After much additional prayer and contemplation, I told him I have an F-350 with a gooseneck trailer,” West said. “He was very excited, until I told him it was a truck and not a fighter plane. Just the same, he was happy to hear the truck could move his stuff from Florida, even he was disappointed it couldn't shoot missiles or break the sound barrier."

West said he has no particular position in mind, so long as it supports the administration. He also wants unrestricted access to a WordPress account and Twitter feed.

“I have prayed with President Trump and asked the sweet, clean, eight-pound, four-ounce baby Jesus to guide the president’s hand in putting me in a place where I can do the most good,” West said.

“I would happily hand out stripper hush money," he added. "I’m also well-suited to be his minister of propaganda. And I have experience dealing with prisoners, so he could put me in charge of the Guantanamo Bay Detention Camp.”

West has been Texas Republican Party chairman for less than a year. In that time, he's called on Texas to secede, recommended that Republican lawmakers gerrymander congressional districts and urged the Legislature to grant fetuses the right to carry a handgun at six weeks.

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