Comedian Tom Arnold got his break as a writer for Roseanne and joined the cast of the classic sitcom in 1989. He appeared in True Lies (1994) and over 150 other movies, is the star of several standup specials and even won a Golden Globe.
And he’s happy to dish on Hollywood.
Married four times, Arnold is also fearless when it comes to taking his personal life public. That includes his trainwreck marriage to controversial TV star Roseanne Barr, not to mention his most recent split, which involved restraining orders, domestic violence allegations and swatting.
In short, don’t expect Arnold to have any reservations about letting the audience look behind the curtain when he brings his standup act to Woodlawn Comedy on Saturday, Sept. 6.
We spoke to Arnold via Zoom from his home office in Los Angeles, where he explained his approach to comedy.
“In my case, you have to be pretty self-deprecating because it’s like, ‘Oh, you know, my tour is called My Crazy X-Wife. People are like, ‘I know what crazy ex-wife that is. Roseanne.’ I’m like, ‘She’s not even close to my craziest ex-wife!’”
Stylistically, Arnold describes himself as a comedic storyteller, and he shifted into that mode frequently during our talk, often jumping from topic to topic with a manic intensity. Sometimes, it was hard to get a question as the details spilled.
But when you’re hearing scathingly funny stories about anyone from Donald Trump to Steven Seagal, who’s complaining?
The following interview has been edited for length and clarity.
When people hear the two words “Tom Arnold,” what do you think pops into their head?
That’s a good question. I think that people know who I am. There may be one movie or one action movie or something that they liked. And my voice, I’m told. My kids are always like, “Dad, don’t talk. We don’t want people to know it’s you.” So, I’m very grateful. I grew up a small town in Iowa. I had a single dad too. And the only time we ever heard our dad laugh, I mean, really laugh, was when there was a Bob Hope special on. And Bob Hope was a comedian that. back in the ’60s, ’70s, traveled to Vietnam or Korea to entertain the troops. And he’d have beautiful women with him, which my dad liked, and he’d do double entendre jokes, which my dad loved. And so I’d say, “Whatever Bob Hope does, I’m going to do that.” One of the first things I did in Hollywood was a Bob Hope special. And Bob Hope called my dad. And so my dad — in the same living room that he used to watch Bob Hope when I was a kid — now sees Bob Hope standing next to his son.
A great full circle moment for a comedian.
I went out one weekend. We had a disco called Jailhouse. Disco just got to Ottumwa, Iowa. And when I came out, I saw Andy Kaufman standing there, and I was like, “What in the hell? Andy Kaufman is standing here in Ottumwa, Iowa.” So I went up and talked to him. Great guy. There’d been a women’s wrestling event in our coliseum. We have a lot of women’s wrestling events. Wrestling is very big where I’m from. And he went to it, paid the wrestlers to stay late to wrestle him to train, and then took everybody to Happy Joe’s Pizza in school buses. That’s the guy I want to be. But how do you get from Ottumwa, Iowa, to Hollywood? There’s no tube that does that. But seeing him there, I was like, “He got here from there, so it must be possible.” He was doing transcendental meditation in Fairfield, Iowa, down about 20 miles. It gave me hope.
In some of your stand up, you tell jokes about behind-the-scenes Hollywood. Like you’ve told some stories about old Steven Seagal movies. You’re always careful to say that he’s a great guy and all this, but—
(Laughs.) He’s not. He’s not a great guy. I gotta re-edit that. He’s a weird guy. Well, I feel sorry for him a little bit.
I definitely want to hear this. My larger question, though, is how, as a public figure, do you know where the line is? Maybe you can weave both answers. Like Trump does.
Jesus.
But you have some funny stories. On one hand, that’s great. On the other hand, you don’t want to throw someone under the bus, especially if you want to stay friends. Where is that line?
Well, you know, I do tell stories about a lot of people, people I love, people I don’t love. Steven Seagal lives in Russia. That’s a problem. He’s friends with Putin. So, he’s an asshole. That’s all I’m gonna say. And it makes it funnier that he’s such a weird asshole, you know, and weighs 500 pounds and like does his martial arts. So there’s a lot of weird stuff. I’ve told my stories. He’s never denied them.
He also has, you know, done that casting couch thing with a friend of mine. It was so creepy. You know, he’s a creepy dude. He’s weird. I do have some compassion for him because, you know, he’s so uptight. The movie we did (2001’s Exit Wounds), my trailer was between his and DMX’s. And I love DMX. DMX was very childlike. He wasn’t really familiar with the movie process, you know. He did adopt a pitbull on the way to work and have it in his trailer. Crazy. But I love the guy, you know, and he played his music in his trailer. Steven Seagal would be playing his blues, whatever, in his. And Steve Seagal could not figure out DMX. He was looking at him like, “What the hell?”
But the movie after that was with Jet Li, [2003’s Cradle 2 the Grave]. And I talk about that, how I was in love with Jet Li. Jet Li, who is this short and his hands are this small. And he literally could beat the shit out of everybody. He was the judo champion of all of China. I am sure I can beat up Steven Seagal. I can take him. He can’t even — listen, I tell Jet Li stories the other way because it was so cool to work with him. And, you know, I’ve been very lucky to work with a lot of people.
There’s some things that have happened publicly that I’m sure Hugh Grant is not super thrilled that I talk about. Or Madonna. But they don’t care. If you’re like that, you know, and you did get arrested during a movie or you do. You just don’t care. You don’t care what Tom Arnold says, or anybody. And if I thought it was mean, then I wouldn’t do it. I mostly talk about Tom Arnold, you know, in these situations with these folks.
So I don’t worry. If it was Arnold [Schwarzenegger], and he said, “Hey, don’t do this,” I would not do it out of respect. I have done stuff where it’s like, “Jesus, holy moly. I have to clear that up.” But, you know, I love him. He’s a guy that’s in my life and very inspirational to me. But he’s also a guy who likes to be made fun of. I have to tell you, if you’re talking about him, he’s happy. And he also loves standup comedy. Loved Milton Berle. Arnold is hilarious. He likes anybody that tells stories about him. He’s so confident in himself. He likes anybody to do an impression.
Where do you think things are gonna end up with Trump? Where are we gonna be in 2028 when the nightmare ends, if it does?
Well, the thing about Trump is he’s authentically horrible. I’ve known him 40 years. I’ve been to the Playboy Mansion with him. After doing my sports show, he said, “Come over to the Playboy Mansion. I’m introducing a new vodka or something.” And I thought, “I’ll do that.” And he said, “Why don’t you meet my new girlfriend, Karen McDougal?” He goes, “She’s Playmate of the Year, you know?” And so, I meet her, and she’s kind of got the money. She’s a very nice woman. And then he’s like, “Oh, Melania’s here with my daughter. Let’s all take a picture together.” And that’s what I do. Like, this guy does not give a shit. And that’s fine if you have a show like The Apprentice, but you can’t be the president.
But he’s authentic. He lies every time he opens his mouth. He’s never read anything. The White House is a TV show to him. He’s like, “Who could I stock this show with that will be 100% loyal, but kind of look good?” You know, he changes the way the White House looks. He’s never read the Bible. He’s never read the Constitution. He does not give a shit about anybody. And the MAGA people, he is disgusted by. He’s disgusted by them, but if you say nice things about him, he’s like, “I will pardon you. You know, you gotta pay me, but I will do these things. I don’t care if you’ve sexually assaulted 10 women, because you’re getting out of jail.” The January Sixers. Try to erase from history what we actually fucking saw. I’m hoping it’s too much. There’s a lot going on right now with this Russia-Ukraine thing, where I think that people are being smart. Our allies are like, “We gotta go in there, go around the table, suck up to this asshole, and maybe he’ll do something good. Doubtful, but maybe. We will try.”
$21.65-$43.40, 8 p.m. Saturday, Sept. 6, Woodlawn Comedy, 1920 Fredericksburg Road, (214) 255-1336, woodlawncomedy.com.
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