10 People Baristas Meet in Coffee Shops

National Coffee Day is happening Monday, September 29 and in honor of this glorious day (coffee is the only reason society hasn't collapsed on itself) we are saluting the 10 people who go to coffee shops.


1. The Coffee Chain Addict.

They don’t care what your menu says and they don’t mind letting you know it. You may offer a small frozen caramel latte, but they’ll be sure to call it a caramel macchiato frappe in a chico size.

2. The Why Bother.

They love to order an unhealthy drink, but try to justify it by making pointless modifications to make themselves feel better. Instead of a large hot mocha with caramel drizzle, the Why Bother decides to order that same drink, but decaf with 2 artificial sweeteners, soy milk, and don't forget to hold the whipped cream.

3. The Teen Newbie.

They say they love coffee so much that they really can't even. Like, seriously. Ironically enough, they order a frozen beverage with no coffee like a frozen vanilla bean frappe with extra whip and just one pump of raspberry.

4. The Pretentious Drinker.

If there's a simple drink on the menu, the Pretentious Drinker will order it in the most complex way. Instead of ordering a double espresso they will order a doppio with shots pulled exactly at 23-seconds. If the barista is a second fast or slow, the pretentious drinker will then ask for the shots to be pulled again.

5. The Arbitrary Temperature Lover.

Oh, you steam milk to 160-degrees? Well, the Arbitrary Temperature Lover just can't have that. They'll be sure to ask for their milk to be steamed only to 137-degrees exactly or 165-degrees, because those extra 5-degrees make their drink that much better.

6. The I Sound Cool.

The I Sound Cool isn't an uncultured fool and they're going to be sure they make that clear. Why order a vanilla latte with a caramel drizzle when they can sound cool and order an upside-down caramel macchiato stirred?

7. The Soy with Whip.

Non-dairy milk is essential for those who have a sensitivity to dairy, but the Soy with Whip doesn't care about that. This coffee patron will demand that their drink be made with Soy, but they will be sure to act surprised when you assume that they don't want whipped cream on top. Heck, they'll even ask for extra whipped cream just for good measure.

8. The How Are You Alive?

This coffee drinker is impressive, because they consume such a large amount of caffeine that there is absolutely no way they share the same anatomical structure with the rest of humanity. They'll order an 8-shot americano with no room for cream and they'll do it twice a day. Which leaves people asking, "How are you alive?"

9. The Squint and Stare at the Menu.

They'll squint and stare at the menu...squint and stare at the menu...squint and stare at the menu...and then order a drip.

10. The Ex-Barista

They know how to pull espresso shots and you're going to know that about them before you even know what they want to order. They could always ask for something from the menu, but they never do. They'll be sure to alter a simple beverage beyond the point of recognition, but they'll do so while using appropriate jargon and they'll do it with confidence.

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