Assclown Alert is a column of opinion, analysis and snark.
Last week, former Mayor Ron Nirenberg lashed out on social media at Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick over the Republican politician’s demand that Alamo Trust CEO Kate Rogers resign due to an opinion she expressed in her 2023 grad-school dissertation.
“This is really dumb,” Nirenberg wrote in what may qualify as the understatement of the year.
The reality is “really dumb” is par for the course when it comes to Patrick, a former radio shock jock who somehow parlayed his subpar Rush Limbaugh impression into a political career.
Since being elected to the Texas Senate in 2006, Patrick — one of the state’s most vocal culture warriors — has repeatedly shown himself to be both untethered from reality and, despite his proclivity for cowboy cosplay, too fucking stupid to pour water out of a boot.
Let’s run down some of the former Danny Goeb’s greatest hits, shall we?
•This spring, as the state dealt with pressing issues, such as its worst measles outbreak in decades, Patrick threatened to pass a law to change the name of the “New York strip” steak to the “Texas strip” to own the East Coast libs.
•In 2013, Patrick tried to raise campaign cash in a post claiming Duck Dynasty patriarch Phil Robertson was actually channeling the voice of God the he made offensive anti-LGBTQ+ com-ments to GQ magazine.
•That same year, Patrick told a Baptist congregation in Conroe, “There is no such thing as separation of church and state.”
•And, in 1992, while working in radio, Patrick drew the ire of Asian Americans for joking that journalist Connie Chung’s TV show should be called Slanted Eye to Eye, a comment for which he refused to apologize.
And we could go on, but this is a newspaper column, not a goddamned book.
Patrick’s asinine assertions would be a laugh riot — a lost outtake reel from Idiocracy — if the state wasn’t drowning in his verbal diarrhea. In other words, his outbursts have real consequences.
Just ask Rogers, who resigned from the Alamo Trust after coming into Patrick’s sights. Her departure comes even though she won copious praise for her fundraising acumen and ability to get things done despite the meddling of Patrick and others intent whitewashing the monument’s history.
Maybe if Patrick runs off enough Alamo Trust leaders, he can install an animatronic version of himself at the front gate narrating a looped tour: “Welcome, patriots! Please keep all critical thinking to yourself!”
Until rational voters start turning up at the polls to bounce this assclown out of office, we can expect more of the same.
And, yes, count on more of the same being really fucking dumb.
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