Assclown Alert is a column of opinion, analysis and snark.
The Texas Legislature has never exactly been a stranger to performative Punch and Judy shows, but its newfound obsession with Sharia law might be one of its more embarrassing entries — a political stunt so unnecessary it practically collapses under the weight of its own bad faith.
This month, when unveiling their list of priorities for the next legislative session, Republican House Speaker Dan Burrows and Republican Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick, who presides over the Texas Senate, both placed “preventing Sharia law” on the list.
Not to be outdone, State Rep. Brent Money, R-Greenville, minted the “Sharia Free Texas Caucus,” which has now grown to roughly 40 members, all Republican. The name pretty much gives away its agenda.
Let’s get the obvious out of the way first: there’s no looming threat of Sharia law — a body of Islamic laws based on that religion’s scriptures — supplanting the U.S. legal system. Not in Texas. Not anywhere in the country.
The U.S. Constitution, specifically the Establishment Clause, slams that door on that notion with the force of nearly two and a half centuries of jurisprudence. Courts don’t get to swap out constitutional law for religious doctrine, whether it’s Muslim, Christian or found in the Book of Mormon.
That’s not how our justice system works. That’s never been how it works.
Which raises an uncomfortable question: just what the country-style fuck do these lawmakers think they’re doing?
Because most of them are smart enough to know better. They have either been through law school or spent enough years in legislative briefings to have a clue. Which means Sharia law being adopted in the U.S. is no more likely than U.S. Sen. Ted Cruz staying in Texas during really nasty weather.
So, when these jokers rally around something as transparently pointless as a “Sharia Free Texas Caucus,” it’s hard to chalk it up to ignorance. Instead, it reads like something far more cynical — another deliberate attempt to stoke fear of Muslims for cheap political points.
And if — generous interpretation here — some of them don’t understand the most basic foundations of our justice system? Well, they have no business drafting laws that affect 30 million Texans. If you’re confused about whether religious law can override the Constitution, your ass shouldn’t be warming a seat in the Texas House. Full stop.
The very existence of an anti-Sharia law caucus depends on a fantasy threat, one that paints an entire religion as an invading horde or simmering internal menace. That ain’t governance, folks. It’s fear-mongering slapped with a state seal.
Meanwhile, Texas faces profound problems that aren’t paranoid fantasies — underfunded schools, taxes that overburden the poor and middle class, a broken foster care system, the nation’s highest rate of uninsured residents. But instead of taking steps to solve those issues, lawmakers are pearl clutching over a right-wing cable news fever dream.
It’s a tired playbook: find a minority, manufacture a threat, wrap it in pseudo-patriotic language and pretend you’re earning your place in Austin.
Burrows, Patrick and members of the “Sharia Free Texas Caucus” aren’t just lazy; they’re divisive, racist assclowns whom Lone Star State residents need to send packing.
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