Sharing a college dorm room is a difficult task. People need their privacy — and it disappears as soon as you’re living five feet away from another person in a single room. Whether or not you care to acknowledge it, we humans are sexual creatures and college is when many start to explore exactly what that means. So why let something as dumb as an inconsiderate roommate get in the way of making the most of your formative sex years? You just need to get creative.
No one is taking their trash out at three in the morning — that's unheard of. If you're still uneasy about the idea, just push one of the giant trash cans against the door for some extra assurance. No one will bother you. The beauty of a trash room is that it's a goddamn trash room. That means once that door is shut, no one is gonna be peeping in on you while you get a little. Don't worry about the smell either. Dorm hall trash rooms get cleaned out on a daily basis, which means it's probably cleaner than your actual room.
The logistics of this one depend on the bathroom setup in your dorm. If you're one of the lucky few with a private bathroom, then it's simple—all you have to do is lock the door, turn on the shower and get down. A connecting bathroom is also pretty easy, so long as you establish a "tie on the door" type system with the suitemates. The real challenge is getting busy in a communal dorm bathroom. Shoot for a time when most people aren't taking showers—meaning late night is probably your safest and most realistic bet. Send the person of the appropriate gender in first to scout it out, then the other can join once the coast is clear. At that point, choose a shower stall, close the curtain and keep any moaning at a low volume.
I get it. Sometimes you're just not going to be in the mood to leave your bed for an evening romp, even if you're roomie won't leave. That's okay. Remember those fun blanket forts you built as a kid to hide from monsters? Well, the ingenuity can be applied to shield you from the prying eyes of your creepy, douche-nozzle roommate. This works easiest on a loft bed if you're lucky enough to have one. All you need to do is hang blankets, sheets or rugs from the high end of the bed post on all sides, and like magic, you've vanished from your roommate's vision. If you don't have a loft or bunk bed, fear not. Try hanging blankets from chairs or pinning them on the wall with thumb tacks. Obviously, the fort won't be sound-proof, but that can be solved with some loud music or Netflix—we recommend D'Angelo's Y2K masterpiece Voodoo. Sure, it'll be a little awkward with your roommate technically still in the room, but it beats celibacy any day of the week.
Find a Roof
This one is definitely the most fun. Once you find the right spot, plan a route that will draw the least amount of attention as you venture to the top. Once you scale whatever building you've chosen for your sexy-time perch, find a spot that is either out of sight from the rooftop entrance or obstructed by some sort of structure—like an AC unit or a duct. That way, you can hear any visitors before they spot you and quickly re-clothe. If caught, just play stupid and say y'all were stargazing or something. After all, who could get mad at a couple of youngsters trying to appreciate the cosmos?
Back Seat of Grandma's '78 Mercury
Alright, it doesn't have to be grandma's and it doesn't have to be a '78 Mercury, but you get the point. Not everyone has a car to take to college, but if you do, more power to you. This will give you the easiest and most consistent backup location for doing the horizontal hula when your dorm room isn't an option. If you don't have a car, make some friends who do. Having access to a car is only half the battle, though. No one wants adult nap-time in a dorm parking garage. Find a spot with a nice view. Most importantly, crack a window or leave the car running. No one likes a stank sauna.
Cheap Motel Room
Sometimes you just have to buy privacy. If you decide to rent a motel room, don't bother with something pricy for the sake of romance. Settle for less. In fact, look for a motel that falls on the seedy end of the spectrum—hell, it even makes the experience more adventurous. Be careful not to go too raunch (nobody wants bed bugs or crabs) but shoot for a tastefully shabby motel and be sure to take a diligent shower after everything's said and done. The best part about renting a room is that you can finally be as loud as you want.
*Disclaimer: Just because I listed these spots for you doesn't mean they're always going to be the safest or most responsible locations. You're adults now. Use your best judgment when looking for a place to get it on. Don't put yourself in a situation where you're frantically explaining yourself to a police officer while simultaneously trying to get all your clothes back on. Take these tips with a grain of salt, always keep your head on a swivel and, most importantly, have fun.
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