The following story is a piece of opinion, analysis and snark.
Pity U.S. Senator John Cornyn.
Texas’ senior senator spent decades cultivating an image as an establishment Republican, replete with flyaway silver hair, copious forehead liver spots and diction that sounds like he’s got a mouth full of mothballs. Probably camphor-smelling breath to go along with it as well.
Now, after years appearing official and dependably carrying water for his big-business cronies, he faces a primary challenge from scandal-sodden-yet-MAGA-beloved Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton.
Try as Cornyn might, he just can’t seem to grovel low enough to earn an elusive endorsement from President Donald Trump. Last Friday, the 73-year-old senator told the Houston Chronicle that Commander-in-Chief McCankles still hasn’t decided which sphincter-snorkeling GOP senatorial hopeful better deserves to represent Texas.
“I said, ‘Mr. President, this race would be over if you decided to endorse,’” Cornyn said. “He said, ‘I know, I know.’ He’s obviously not ready to do that. And I think he wants to see how the race develops.”
Well, it better develop soon, Johnny No Spine, because the March 3 primary is barreling at us fast.
That established, take a moment to place yourself in Cornyn’s shoes. You have already hired Trump’s pollster, praised his nonexistent “mandate” to pretty much anyone who will listen, posted photos of yourself reading The Art of the Deal and posing in front of a Trump Burger restaurant — all like a scrawny, zit-encrusted 15-year-old trying to impress a crush.
Yet nothing has worked. Aww.
To secure that sweet, sweet MAGA blessing, Senator, you must grovel lower. Much, much lower. Take this quiz to determine just how much more of your soul you’re willing to sully so you can earn a Trump shoutout on Truth Social.
1. President Trump is visiting the Rio Grande Valley. To prove you are “tough on the border,” and just as racist as Stephen Miller you:
A. Stand quietly in the background of his press conference, nodding vigorously and fist pumping every time he mentions countries emptying out their “insane asylums.”
B. Wear a custom tactical vest that says “BIG BAD JOHN” on the front and “BUILD IT TALLER” on the back, even though you’re surrounded by armed Border Patrol Agents and standing in a completely safe public park in McAllen.
C. When Trump mentions Laken Riley’s name, lift up your shirt to show that you’ve had a tattoo artist create a portrait of her across your entire back.
D. Lay down in front of Trump so he can use you as a human bridge if he needs cross slightly rough terrain on the way to look at a constructed section of border wall.
2. Trump fires off a cryptic late-night Truth Social post complaining about “RINOs standing in the way” of his agenda. To ensure you’re definitely not one of those you:
A. Reprise your “Big Bad John” TV commercial for the current race, only instead of looking awkward and goofy cosplaying a cowboy, you look awkward and goofy cosplaying a hunter of actual rhinos on the African savanna.
B. Appear at the CMT Awards to sing a duet of “Try That in a Small Town” with Jason Aldean where you both don KKK hoods at the end of the song.
C. Work nights and weekends to introduce legislation to overturn every bipartisan bill you voted for, including that troublingly moderate gun control legislation you championed after the Uvalde school massacre.
D. Challenge Mitch McConnell to a cage match on Pay-Per-View and risk breaking a hip to prove you are no longer “one of them.”
3. You finally secure a 45-second audience with President Trump at Mar-a-Lago near the omelet station. How do you use this critical time?
A. Offer to be his personal food taster.
B. Offer to babysit Eric and keep him from sticking a fork in the light socket or rubbing oatmeal in his hair next time his minder is out of town.
C. Offer to babysit Don Jr. when he’s on a sweaty, unhinged and shit-talking coke bender. Offer to stay with him, even when he dials his dealer at 4 a.m. for another bag.
D. Indulge Don the Con’s affinity for “locker room talk” by offering up your crotch and asking him to show you how to “grab them by the pussy.”
4. It’s 3 a.m. just before early voting for the primary, and a ding from your phone jolts you awake. Trump has just made an announcement on Truth Social: “Ken Paxton always fights for America First! We shall see what voters think of John Cornyn!” Your immediate response is to:
A. Admit to yourself that you never had the spine for the job anyway and that your Trinity University frat nickname “Bimbo” (yes, that’s true) pretty much sums up your existence.
B. Like the post. Then unlike it. Then like it again. Then reply: “So true, sir! I am barely here! I am but a vessel for your holy will!”
C. Curl into a ball and weep into your MyPillow, refusing to even leave the house to attend your own election-night watch party.
D. Dress up like the Jan. 6 QAnon Shaman, load up your boat with firewood, set yourself afloat in Lake Austin with a Trump flag fluttering and light it all on fire. Become a human brisket in a Texas version of a viking funeral.
Scoring the results
Mostly As: “Standard GOP senator” — You aspire to wormlike subservience, but you still have a lingering scent of dignity that disgusts the Great Orange Leader. Trump endorsement Status: “John Cornyn is a nice guy, but Very Weak. Sad!”
Mostly Bs: “Pathetic panderer” — Getting closer. You have successfully abandoned what few principles you had, but you’re still not licking boots and and unmentionable body parts with appropriate zeal. Endorsement Status:“Does Cornyn really understand how to Make America Great? Vote for Ken! Thank you for your attention to this matter.”
Mostly Cs: “Full Ted Cruz” You have achieved complete spinal liquidation. You have no shame and no identity beyond what Groper Cleveland provides. You’re willing to stand by when he insults your wife Sandy and accuses your late father of selling secrets to the Nazis when he served during World War 2. Your marble-mouthed groveling manages to fully humiliate not only yourself but your family and the Lone Star State. Endorsement Status: “John is a Warrior! He gets it!” (Although the president still endorses Paxton the next day.)
Mostly D’s: “Legacy eraser” You have ceased to exist as a human being, much less a Texas Supreme Court judge and state attorney general turned U.S. Senator. You’re merely an empty suit stuffed with polling data and pants-shitting cowardice . You have debased yourself so thoroughly that fellow senators begin mistaking you for one of Marsha Blackburn’s junior staffers. Endorsement Status: No Truth Social post for you. Trump forgets has forgotten who you are entirely.
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