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Don’t Miss a Moment.
Join 30,000 locals who stay current on San Antonio news, culture, and events. Get our free newsletters in your inbox three times a week.
There’s a reason tourists keep flocking to San Antonio: it’s a fun, charming and culturally significant place that’s not too pricy to visit.
That said, our city — like any other — has its share of pitfalls and idiosyncrasies. Stuff like our blazing summer heat, our potholes and our sky-high pollen counts come to mind. Naturally, those sorts of things get skipped over in ads urging tourists and conventioneers to come to the River Walk and get sloshed on margaritas.
With that in mind, we dreamed up 22 fictional tourism slogans that would tell a little too much truth about the Alamo City to ever be splashed across a travel poster. The folks in charge of promoting our city as a destination would never let these fly.
The only winter weather you’ll see is in the snow globes at the Alamo gift shop.
Photo via Instagram / ryanmohr1We don’t just have blazing heat, we’ve also got smothering humidity.
Photo via Twitter / angrmartinezWe promise to be friendly even though we hate your city’s NBA team with a passion.
Photo by Jaime MonzonHome of the Marbach Mop haircut.
Photo via Twitter / empanalgonasEnjoy your stay but please don’t move here. It’s too fucking expensive already.
Photo via Unsplash / Mackenzie MarcoWe’ll leave a light on for you — assuming Texas still has a working power grid.
Photo via Twitterr / AWereChickenCome for the giant margaritas, stay for the brain freeze and diabetic coma.
Photo via Instagram / costapacificasaWe’re not sure what’s up with Fred’s Fish Fry either, so don’t ask.
Photo via Twitter / Rizo_93_Nothing says “romance” like dining next to a muddy river with barges full of gawking tourists.
Photo via Instagram / several_stylezWe’d like to come and greet you personally, but it’s too goddamn hot to leave the house.
Photo via Twitter / PsychicMuppetWe’re way more fun than El Paso.
Photo by Jaime MonzonBlinkers and stop signs optional.
Photo via Unsplash / Will PoradaHope you like tacos.
Photo via Instagram / breaking.bread.in.saYou’ve never experienced allergies like these before.
Photo via Instagram / BelenAbascalDon’t let the Alamodome fool you into thinking you can catch an NFL game here.
Photo via Wikimedia Commons / Michael BareraWhere potholes outnumber people.
Photo via Twitter / swagyolo_eliWatch out: the salsa burns twice!
Photo via Unsplash / Tai’s CapturesDon’t hold the rest of the state against us.
Photo via Unsplash / Lucas Beck Credit:Unsplash / Lucas BeckDon’t worry, that puddle on the ground is probably from a dripping air conditioner.
Photo via Unsplash / Mark BossDon’t let our airport fool you into thinking you just landed in Laredo.
Photo via Wikimedia Commons / TEXUSAFWe’re so laid back you’ll be tempted to check us for a pulse.
Photo via Pexels / RODNAE ProductionsThe proposed sports district, dubbed “Porject Marvel” by city officials, would be located at Hemisfair near the Grand Hyatt Hotel and Henry B. Gonzalez Convention Center. Credit: Courtesy Photo / Grand Hyatt