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Folks from San Antonio tend to be fiercely protective of our city and its culture.
If you want to visit, see the sights and enjoy enchilada plates, we’re happy to show you true Texas hospitality. After all, we’re damned proud of our local landmarks, our food and our unique quirks.
But if you’re going to tell us that the food’s better somewhere else, that we’re crazy for liking what we like or that we shouldn’t be allowed to have a good time, well, them’s fightin’ words. Likewise if you’re going to tear down our heroes or praise people who talk smack about our city.
Come to think of it, there are certain things locals can even say that get their fellow San Antonians riled up.
With that in mind, here are two dozen things you should probably never say to a San Antonian. Unless, of course, you’re looking for fists — or at least a few cuss words — to fly.
San Antonio’s taco game is just one of the reasons USA Today named the Alamo City a foodie paradise. Credit: Shutterstock / Joshua ResnickFormer inmates who served alongside Yolanda Saldivar said many on the outside want revenge for Selena’s slaying. Credit: Shutterstock / Lisa T SnowCoach Gregg Popovich has railed against Trump before. Credit: San Antonio SpursThere’s a $2 charge for chips and salsa, sir/ma’am. Credit: Shutterstock / MSPhotographicBeing able to guzzle down countless bottles of Big Red without puking. Credit: Shutterstock / Vershinin89The Spurs are never going to win another championship. Credit: Spurs / Reginald Thomas IIDeveloping a sixth sense to know the instant Charles Barkley calls your city fat. Credit: Wikimedia Commons / ChensiyuanMy desk/work area is a cascarone-free zone. Credit: Shutterstock / JR TSurviving multiple childhood chancla thrashings. Credit: Shutterstock / nitoClassic Heavy Metal
San Antonio wasn’t called the Heavy Metal Capital of the World for nothing. We were once the nation’s most metal-obsessed city and helped break bands like Judas Priest, Iron Maiden and Triumph in the United States. Although that enthusiasm has waned — or maybe just the rest of the country has caught up — we can tell you anything you wanna know about classic metal, from which Judas Priest album “Saints in Hell” is on (Stained Class) to what year Budgie reformed to perform a one-off show at La Semana Alegre (1995). And if we don’t know the answer, we can always check with our tio who’s seen Saxon 23 times and actually partied multiple times on Legs Diamond’s tour bus. Credit: Oscar MorenoCredit: Jaime MonzonSan Antonio police said the scene at Jefferson High School remains active. Credit: Wikimedia Commons / 25or6to4Credit:Photo via Instagram / fertthefoodieYou can’t blame Kawhi Leonard for leaving the Spurs for a real team. Credit: Wikimedia Commons / Jose GarciaThe Ghost Tracks
You can’t talk about urban legends in San Antonio without covering the Ghost Tracks. This long-dispelled myth is still a local favorite, and has repeatedly been voted Best Urban Legend in the Current’s Best of San Antonio poll. As the story goes, you can park your car at this spot on the train tracks and get “pushed” forward by some spectral helpers. As a bonus, if you put flour on the back of your trunk, you might even see their little handprints. The push purportedly comes from ghosts of children who met an untimely end in the early 1900s when a train rammed into a bus at the location. However, in 2003, archivist Matt DeWaelsche traced the story’s origin to a 1938 bus accident in Salt Lake City, Utah. Even worse, the tracks were “exorcised,” if you will, by a construction project. When Union Pacific added a second track to the intersection, they leveled out the elevation, removing the downward slant that vehicles would gently roll down when they were supposedly being “pushed” by the ghosts. Turns out it was just a trick of physics the whole time. Credit: Photo via Google MapsSan Antonio can’t claim Pedro Pascal. He moved away when he was 11. Credit: Shutterstock / DFreeHow to dress a beer
Ever tried to order a beer in another city and ask for it “dressed?” If it was anywhere north of the Texas border, the bartender probably gave you a blank look. Here in SA we know so much about dressing beers that we’ll tell you exactly how much salt goes around the rim of the glass (all the way around or artfully applied to just a half or a third), whether it’s best to squeeze the lime into the beer and drop the whole sucker in or just squeeze and set it aside) and how many limes are needed per ounce. Credit: Shutterstock / Carly GarnerCredit: Shutterstock / 4kclipsSan Antonio only wishes it could have a business leader as astute as Mark Cuban. Credit: Shutterstock / Kathy HutchinsThat’s not a chalupa. That’s a tostada. Credit: Shutterstock / Brent HofackerWhy are you rooting for UTSA? You didn’t go there. Credit: Wikimedia Commons / Blake675Girl in a Coma? You mean that Morrissey song? Credit: Jaime MonzonBeing able to instantly detect whether a restaurant’s tortillas are store-bought or made in-house. Credit: Shutterstock / Brent HofackerCredit: Shutterstock / Brett Hondow
