Assclown Alert: Crusading against the demon weed with Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick

Assclown Alert is a column of opinion analysis and snark.

During an unhinged Monday press conference, Texas Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick accused foreign terrorist organizations and Mexican drug cartels of operating smoke shops and dispensaries that sell THC-containing hemp products around the state.

“We have no idea who is making these products,” Patrick said without offering any proof criminal groups are involved in the state’s hemp industry. “Are they terrorists? Is this a terrorist money laundering scheme in Texas? Is it a cartel money laundering scheme?”

Patrick called the press conference roughly 12 hours after fellow Republican Gov. Greg Abbott’s vetoed Senate Bill 3, a top legislative priority of the lieutenant governor’s that would have banned sale and possession of all THC products statewide.

In conjunction with the veto, Abbott called a special session asking lawmakers to return to Austin to pass regulations for the hemp industry, including purchase age limits, product testing requirements and licensing rules. In an online statement, the governor said SB 3’s defects were “undeniable” and that it would be indefensible in court, meaning enforcement of the ban “could be enjoined for years.”

In response, Patrick accused Abbott of wanting to legalize recreational marijuana — something the governor has never said he favored — and warned continuing hemp sales would ruin the state economy. Never mind that THC-containing products such as delta-8 and delta-9 have been legally available here for years thanks to state lawmakers legalizing hemp in 2019.

“We think we’re going to attract business here if we got a bunch of people high on marijuana at very high levels?” Patrick asked reporters at his presser. “Is that who wants to come here and build their plant here, open up a business, move their family here? We’re not Colorado, we’re not Oregon and we’re not Washington State.”

Patrick added that he’ll never allow legal recreational cannabis use in Texas.

“If people want to vote me out of office for that, so be it. Not going to do it,” he said.

Looks like some folks may be willing to do just that. A poll released this month found that 61% of registered Texas voters oppose the THC ban Patrick championed in SB 3. The same survey even found GOP voters opposed the measure by a 44%-31% margin.

Further, Patrick said that he was unaware Abbott planned to veto SB 3, adding that the governor assured him earlier in the session the legislation was good to go.

“We will work through it, hopefully,” Patrick said. “But it’s not the state I want. I don’t want my kids, my grandkids, growing up in a state where everybody’s high.”

Maybe not, but this assclown’s bizarre performance Monday is enough to make us wonder what the fuck he’s been smoking.

Subscribe to SA Current newsletters.

Follow us: Apple News | Google News | NewsBreak | Reddit | Instagram | Facebook | Twitter | Or sign up for our RSS Feed

Related Stories

Texas governor’s special legislative session to include five other items aside from THC regulation

The special session will begin July 21. It’s the ninth such session called by Abbott since he took office in 2015.

Texas governor kills state’s new THC ban with late-night veto

Instead, Gov. Greg Abbott called for a special legislative session to regulate the industry and keep its products away from minors.

Gov. Greg Abbott could amend Texas’ THC ban during a special session, observer speculates

Other topics that could be covered in a special session include redistricting and banning municipalities from hiring lobbyists with tax dollars.

Trump pollsters find 61% of Texas voters, including majority of GOP voters, oppose state THC ban

Gov. Greg Abbott has until Sunday to sign the bill into law, veto or it or allow it to go into effect without his signature.

Texas Gov. Greg Abbott vetoes summer lunch program for low-income kids

More than 3.75 million Texas children would have benefitted from the program.

Reefer Madness: What Texas Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick hopes to get out of his THC meltdown

Despite Patrick’s tough talk about shutting down the hemp industry, observers predict he’ll ultimately accept regulating it.

Texas Senate moves ahead with new bill to ban hemp despite governor’s veto of similar proposal

Veterans and hemp-industry advocates accused bill backers of ignoring Gov. Greg Abbott’s call for regulation instead of an outright ban.

This article appears in Jun 12-25, 2025.