Assclown Alert is a column of opinion, analysis and snark.
Worried your car’s just too safe? Fear not, fellow driver, Sen. Ted Cruz is stomping the gas pedal and aiming straight for the guardrail of common sense.
As Americans seek relief from $766 monthly car payments and skyrocketing insurance premiums, Texas’ junior senator has determined that the solution is to lead a Senate hearing removing safeguards that keep autos from killing people.
Cruz’s Commerce Committee is hauling in the Big Three automakers for a Jan. 14 hearing on those pesky, pricy safety features, as the Current previously reported.
Cruz’s stated purpose: figuring out why new cars cost so fucking much. His unstated purpose: massaging the shoulders — and other body parts — of an industry that donates more to the senator than anyone else in Congress, according to bipartisan campaign-spending watchdog OpenSecrets.
Automatic Emergency Braking? A menace.
Backseat reminders to prevent parents from accidentally leaving kids in the car? Government tyranny.
Seatbelts? Give him time, and Teddy Boy may just reverse us back to the Unsafe at Any Speed era.
Sure, asshole automakers have been fleecing consumers for years. But perish the thought that President Donald Trump’s unhinged tariff scheme might be contributing to the current sticker shock.
Instead, Cruz is targeting features the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration credits with saving 860,000 lives since 1968. But apparently those lives just get in the way of crony capitalism.
If Cruz really wants to lower costs, he should push for antitrust enforcement, rein in corporate monopolies and cap dealer markups. But that would irk his key donors — and we all know consumer-safety watchdogs just don’t write the kind of campaign checks CEOs do.
Buckle up, we’re in for a wild ride as this assclown pushes to deregulate your Dodge until it has the structural integrity of a plastic lawn chair from Dollar General.
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