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Assclown Alert: Gov. Greg Abbott is assclown of the year —  was there ever a doubt? 

click to enlarge Gov. Greg Abbott plays dress-up at a recent press conference trumpeting Texas' resurrection of Trump's border wall. - INSTAGRAM / GOVERNORABBOTT
  • Instagram / governorabbott
  • Gov. Greg Abbott plays dress-up at a recent press conference trumpeting Texas' resurrection of Trump's border wall.
Assclown Alert is a column of opinion, analysis and snark.

For all the tough talk he aims at the Joe Biden, migrants and municipal leaders, 2021 made one thing abundantly clear about Gov. Greg Abbott: he’s a miserable coward.

Through a year of turmoil, Abbott showed his lack of appetite for facing crises and solving problems. Instead, he played a game of one-upmanship with Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis to see who could corner the market on cruelty. Their shared motivation? Fellative pandering to the tiny and unhinged minority of voters who cast ballots in Republican primaries.

Abbott had plenty of real problems he could have prioritized this legislative session. Beyond the pandemic that’s killed more than 75,000 Texans, there’s the meltdown of the state’s power grid that killed hundreds more, the foster system in crisis and the fact that the state leads the nation in uninsured residents.

But instead of addressing those real concerns, he served as a deranged cheerleader as the GOP-dominated Texas Legislature filled the session with culture war issues and fuck-all else. He goaded on lawmakers as they took away women’s right to seek abortions, even in cases of rape or incest; as they made it legal for any dipshit to pack heat without a permit; and as they heaped on voting restrictions in a bid to keep people of color away from the polls.

As we head into 2022, it’s clear Abbott and his campaign advisors have made the border their top issue. But rather than work with the feds on workable solutions, Texas’ turd of a governor has doubled down on spewing nativist rhetoric, demonizing migrants and funneling state money resurrecting the racist pipedream of Donald Trump’s border wall.

Enjoy the Assclown of the Year award and its gold-plated sphincter trophy, Greg. You certainly earned it.

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January 12, 2022

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