U.S. Sen. John Cornyn: These lips are made for puckering. Credit: Shutterstock / Christopher Halloran

Assclown Alert is a column of opinion, analysis and snark.

Back in 2008, U.S. Sen. John Cornyn trotted out a campaign video featuring a rewritten version of country classic “Big Bad John” playing over footage of the Texas Republican looking awkward and goofy on horseback in a cowboy hat and leather vest.

If the clip were to be remade this year, it would be hard to justify labeling the four-term Texas Republican as anything other than “Whimpering Whipped-Dog John.”

Although never one to make waves or express thoughts contrary to those of his deep-pocketed business donors, Cornyn has dragged himself to new lows of bootlicking subservience in the opening days of the second Trump administration.

After Don the Con pardoned 1,500 Jan. 6 defendants, Cornyn fell right in line when ABC News asked him whether it was appropriate for the president to pardon rioters accused of physically assaulting police officers.

“That’s not the question,” came the senator’s meek, marble-mouthed reply. “The question is who has the authority, and the president has the authority.”

When queried whether he’d support the nomination of Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Trump’s controversial pick to lead the Department of Health and Human Services, Cornyn again groveled before the Great Orange Leader, ignoring the nominee’s long and well-documented history of spreading falsehoods about vaccine safety.

“[Kennedy] told me he is not anti-vaccine,” Cornyn told Politico. “He is pro-vaccine safety, which strikes me as a rational position to take.”

Most recently, Cornyn — a member of the Senate Intelligence Committee — revealed that he’ll vote for Tulsi Gabbard, Trump’s pick to serve as director of national intelligence. This despite Gabbard’s disastrous hearing before the committee, which left other GOP senators openly questioning why she could be trusted in the role.

“Having won the election decisively, I believe President Trump has earned the right to appoint his own Cabinet, absent extraordinary circumstances,” Cornyn said of Gabbard, again suggesting that whatever Big Boss Trump wants, Big Boss Trump shall get.

Cornyn is going into the new Trump term concerned that showing any hint of a backbone will result in the president targeting him in a primary when he runs again in 2026. And rumors are swirling that Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton — one of Trump’s most unctuous allies — just might have his sights on Cornyn’s job.

However, before Cornyn slides himself too deep up Donnie Dipshit’s bronzer-slathered backside, perhaps he should remember that his years of subservience to Mitch McConnell in hopes of succeeding the Kentuckian as Senate Majority Leader didn’t exactly pay off with a win.

Despite all of Cornyn’s assclownish maneuvering, GOP senators voted in November to give that leadership position to Sen. John Thune of South Dakota. Even Sen. Ted Cruz, Texas’ other Republican senator, declined to support Cornyn in the first round of voting and later wouldn’t commit to backing him in the runoff with Thune.

Once a doormat, always a doormat.

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This article appears in Jan 22 – Feb 4, 2025.

Sanford Nowlin is editor-in-chief of the San Antonio Current. He holds degrees from Trinity University and the University of Texas at San Antonio, and his work has been featured in Salon, Alternet, Creative...