Though a poll of Current newsroom weirdos indicated otherwise, I believe that I, as a twenty year-old male, can speak for all middle-aged slightly WASP-y women when I say: John Edwards really is, on a fundamentally visual level, pretty. He looks like someone you could bring home to your vaguely peace-loving mother and fiercely pro-mandatory-military-service father without batting an eye.
He’d probably bat his, though.
There’s nothing wrong with the honest-to-god truth. And when the truth is that you’ve tied the success of your campaign to boyishness, keeping your foppish ‘do in place becomes a matter of national importance. $400 for a haircut is a small price to pay for liberty. And two minutes of adjusting, primping, and getting that part just right isn’t just the right thing for you– it’s the right thing for America.
Patriots, Paul Mitchell: Unite!
This article appears in Aug 15-21, 2007.