Assclown Alert: Throwing unconstitutional tantrums in Jesus’ name with Texas Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick

Assclown Alert is a column of opinion, analysis and snark.

Yes, we’re fully aware Danny Goeb — oops, we mean Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick — was the subject of the Assclown Alert column just a few issues ago.

Forgive us for bringing back Dandy Dan so quickly for a return engagement, but it appears the motherfucker just can’t stop saying stupid shit.

Last week, during a session of the Texas Senate, Patrick fired off a blatantly unconstitutional threat to hurl anyone out of the chamber who doesn’t stand during official prayers.

Patrick issued his threat after state Sen. Angela Paxton, a fellow Republican, delivered a invocation “in the name of Jesus, who has saved us, who keeps us safe and who is coming again,” according to the Freedom From Religion Foundation (FFRF).

Afterward, Patrick lambasted those who remained seated during the invocation, claiming their actions showed disrespect to the Texas Senate.

“If you don’t stand for the invocation, I’ll have you removed,” he added, according to the FFRF. “We have asked you to stand. I’ve never seen a gallery ever have any members in my 17 years of people who refused to stand for the invocation. It will not be tolerated.”

As could be expected, the FFRF fired off a letter explaining the clear-cut language in the U.S. Constitution that prohibits government officials from compelling symbolic acts of faith. The group also called out Patrick — who purports to be a champion of religious liberty — for walking out during the Texas Senate’s first Muslim invocation in 2007, telling the media staying put would have made it appear he gave an “endorsement” of the prayer.

The FFRF should be applauded for calling out Patrick for being the assclown he is, but there’s every reason to suspect their complaint will go ignored.

Patrick’s repeatedly demonstrated he couldn’t be bothered to understand what’s in the Constitution, much less show it a modicum of respect. Not when there’s grandstanding to do in the name of appeasing the Lone Star State’s most backward and bigoted voters.

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This article appears in Aug 21 – Sep 2, 2025.