Alice Cooper

It’s hard to believe that shock-rock godfather Alice Cooper ever really shocked anybody, but long hair, guyliner and songs about necrophilia (OK, that last one’s pretty weird) used to be all it took to scare the bejesus out of concerned parents and other designated authority figures. But it’s 2015, when we’ve long since heard Cooper rap, sing with both Autotune and Ke$ha, and we know he has a 5.3 handicap on the golf course, for God’s sake, even though we don’t know what that means, because we are the kind of people who listen to him. Considering the cheap seats cost $37 and Cooper’s full-length debut Pretties for You came out 45 years ago, the number of fans who know what a golf handicap is might be increasing all the time, which is great, because, in addition to buying tickets to his elaborate show, someone has to buy “Disco Bloodbath Boogie Fever” to keep the Black Widow current with his green fees and on the wagon — and it sure as hell ain’t gonna be us.