Johnny are you queer?

As I sat down to write this column, I wished I were Facebook friends with at least one of my ex-girlfriends from high school. As I recall though, neither had a clue I was gay till we broke up because I didn’t put out, they had moved on to sleep with one of my friends, and I eventually told them I was gay. So your first subtle clue that your high-school boyfriend is gay, too, would be that your not-too-religious boyfriend is not interested in sex, introduces you to his horny friends, and then tells you he is gay.

There are of, course, more obvious signs, e.g. every time you try to kiss him, you have to slap a dick out of his mouth. A friend discovered her boyfriend was gay when he took her to see the Cure. She caught him blowing the security guy to get them backstage. This cautionary tale also suggests that if your boyfriend introduces you to Robert Smith, he is gay. At least you get a good consolation prize.

If you ask your best gay friend to seduce your boyfriend to teach him some new tricks, and they become best friends while your sex life doesn’t get any better, your boyfriend is gay, and it’s totally your fault. At this point, you might as well see if the school quarterback is interested in a three-way; it’s your last chance at reckoning the disappointing loss of your virginity in a memorable way.

Fashion can clearly offer some less anecdotal advice you can apply to this puzzle. Your boyfriend should have no opinion about your prom dress, other than he thinks you look hot in it. Only a gay boyfriend will want to help you pick one out, or care what color it is to make sure the corsage or his cummerbund matches. Only a gay guy will compliment or even notice your new purse. If your boyfriend gives you a gift you like that isn’t tacky jewelry or a stuffed animal, I would be suspicious. Please remember, only skaters, band geeks, and homos wear plaid pants in high school.

Straight guys don’t like gossip until they’re adults. If he cares what your parents or girlfriends had to say about anything other than his car or his penis, he is most likely gay. If your parents like him (read: don’t notice he has a car or a penis), mention that he is marriage material, and extend your curfew, he is gay. Or else your parents have low expectations for your future and figure this guy knocking you up is your best bet.

Finally, if you are a guy and you have a boyfriend in high school, then he is gay and so are you. I suppose this could be a case of
bi-curiosity, but that is an affliction that really only affects horny indiscriminate men, girls trying to be edgy, guys on their way out of the closet, and a small percentage of the lesbian population.

— Uncle Mat


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