Rent Boy Match Game

Gentlemen. We shouldn’t have to tell you this, but if you insist on making a name for yourself by opposing the civil rights of LGBT people, you probably shouldn’t have a boyfriend. If you leave a trick trail, don’t go about declaring that Jesus hates people because of whom they love — Jesus never said a damn thing about same-sex sex.

For one thing, it’s soooo tacky to oppress your sex partner(s), unless it’s in a frolicky, wrist-restraints-and-safe-word kinda way. Furthermore, there’s a good chance the man you’re paying to hanky your panky will find out about your dogmatic bullhonky and become VERY ANNOYED. Might get all press-conference-y about it. So if you’re a man who digs the dudes, honey, please take our advice: If you bone it, own it. Gay is natural, valid, and legal, whereas living a lie sucks harder than a buff leather fetishist who charges $450 an hour.

P.S.: We can’t hardly wait for Fred Phelps’s boy-toy to pipe up. You know that shit’s imminent.


George Alan Rekers Psychologist and ordained Southern Baptist minister. Co-founded the Christian Right Family Research Council, which extols “`heterosexual` marriage and family as the foundation of civilization, the seedbed of virtue, and the wellspring of society.” Was paid $120,000 by the State of Florida to testify against allowing gay couples to adopt children. Father of an adopted child. Claims he hired his rent-boy travel companion to carry his luggage.

Ted Haggard Nationally prominent Christian Right leader and friend of President George W. Bush. Graduate of Oral (!) Roberts University. Had a bit part in the terrifying documentary Jesus Camp. Outed by a friend-with-(paid)-benefits who hooked up with Haggard for three years, sometimes also selling him methamphetamine, and who was enraged at Haggard’s open support of Colorado Amendment 43 (2006), which bans same-sex marriage. Haggard now claims to be “cured.”

Larry Craig Former Republican senator from Idaho who famously solicited some hoo-ha from an undercover cop in an adjoining stall in a men’s room in the Minneapolis airport. Sucks for the Senator that the object of his desire arrested him — it’s not like Craig was assaulting anybody — but we’d sympathize more if he hadn’t led the crusade, back in 1990, to expel Barney Frank from the Senate for his own rent-boy fracas.

Bob Allen Former Republican state rep in Florida who approached a policeman in the men’s room of a pubic park and offered him $20 and a blow job. Later claimed he’d been afraid of some people outside who were black and hence scary, and was just … sigh. What is it with the undercover cops, fellas? When y’all come across a dude loitering in a public men’s room, just assume he might be 5-0. Contrary to urban legend, an undercover cop does NOT have to tell you he’s a cop if you ask him, and it’s only entrapment if he approaches you. You know what? Go online and find a sex buddy. That bathroom thing is dangerous. Bob Allen, by the way, signed a brief by Gov. Jeb Bush to ban LGBT people from adopting children.

Angelo Balducci Vatican insider and a member of Gentlemen of His Holiness, an elite cadre of laymen-in-waiting to Pope Benedict. A married Italian senior political official, he liaised with Vatican chorister Thomas Chinedu Ehiem, who connected Balducci with rent boys. Depressingly, this episode is maybe the least egregious of sexual misdeeds within the Catholic Church: At least these rent boys were paid grownups.


A. Cops in the bathroom!

B. Jo-Vanni Roman, a.k.a. “Lucien,” also “Geo” A 20-year old Miami-based escort who (apparently) specializes in “the long stroke,” an elaborate manual penisary contact technique which, according to one of his clients, “is not sex.”

C. “Two black Cuban lads,” a Roman rugby player, a model from Naples, several seminarians, and a singing gay pimp from Nigeria.

D. Mike Jones Masseur, escort, and personal trainer, Jones has been paid for sex by not just one, but possibly two of the formerly closeted self-h8rs! Of his role in the downfall of one of the homo homophobes, he said, “I wish him well. I wish his family well. My intent was never to destroy his family. My intent was to expose a hypocrite.”

ANSWERS: A. Craig & Allen; B. Rekers; C. Balducci; D. Haggard and possibly Craig


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